How do you let go of anger? How do you forgive? Do you ever get angry? Do you ever get so angry you want to scream, punch someone, break something or retaliate in some way? Do you find it hard to let go of your anger? Is it difficult for you to forgive someone who has hurt you—so difficult, in fact, that you never want to see the person again? Have you ever felt guilty because you realize you are holding onto anger and hurt feelings? If these issues are real to you, then you have plenty of company! A recent cover article in a leading news magazine stated we live in “A Mad, Mad World” where “rage of all kinds” is becoming commonplace, where increasing numbers of people are checking into anger-management workshops and seeking help controlling violent emotions (Insight, p.10, Jan. 3, 2000).
Unfortunately, Christians are not exempt from the powerful and negative effects of anger that damage relationships and destroy physical and mental health. Christians do, however, have access to very potent tools to help deal with the negative emotions of anger, bitterness, resentment and hurt. The Bible indicates that Christians are called to be overcomers (Revelation 3:12) who learn to live a different way of life as lights to the world (Matthew 5:14–16). Could you explain to someone how to forgive someone else—how you actually do it? Could you show someone how to let go of deep-seated, longstanding anger? Have you learned to do this yourself? In this article we will examine what it means to forgive, how to deal effectively with anger. The Scriptures provide important keys and perspectives on the subject; so does modern research.
Anger—The Dangerous Emotion!
But some may ask what is so bad about anger—even God gets angry. The simple answer is that we are not God, and anger in human beings can lead to dangerous and destructive consequences—depending on the type of anger that is aroused. Anger is a strong feeling or emotion resulting from disagreement, being hurt or mistreated, or seeing something unjust happen. Not all anger is bad, but there are many types of anger that Christians simply cannot exhibit. Indignation is righteous anger at something evil, unjust or shameful. The Scriptures indicate this could be an appropriate response for a Christian (Ephesians 4:26). Wrath is a deep indignation with a desire to punish or get even. This is dangerous, even for Christians. Rage is a violent outburst of emotion in which self-control is lost. When you get furious, you experience overwhelming rage of a frenzied nature—you basically “lose it!” These last two types of anger are not only out of bounds for Christians, but outside the limits of decent civil behavior.
The Bible has long provided important lessons about the dangerous consequences of anger. In the Garden of Eden, God warned Cain that his anger could lead to problems (see Genesis 4:4–7). Instead of learning to deal with his anger, Cain sulked and nursed his anger until he finally vented his boiling emotion in an outburst of violence and hatred that killed his brother. Then, instead of acknowledging his sin and repenting, Cain slid into a state of denial and self-pity when he had to face the consequences of his own actions. Cain made a series of choices that illustrate very ineffective ways of dealing with anger—and he suffered painful consequences. We also read of Jacob’s two sons, Simeon and Levi, who became very angry over an evil deed committed against their sister (see Genesis 34). They hatched a plot of mass murder and plunder to get revenge. In spite of their father’s displeasure over their actions, they felt totally justified (Genesis 34:31). However, the Bible records God’s final verdict about the cruel fruits of their “self-justified” anger—they lost their inheritance (Genesis 49:5–7). Anger is a very dangerous emotion!
The Bible and Anger
The life of Jesus Christ provides instructive examples of how to deal with anger—an emotion that God made us capable of experiencing and expressing. In the face of personal insults, Jesus did not respond in kind or retaliate (1 Peter 2:23). However, when He saw the Pharisees’ callous indifference to human suffering, Jesus was angered (He became righteously indignant) and healed a person (Mark 3:1–5). Overturning the tables of the moneychangers in the temple would have been another act of controlled, righteous indignation on Jesus’ part, directed at their disregard of the sanctity of God’s house of worship (Mark 11:15–17). During His rigged trial, in the face of false accusations and cruel insults, Jesus showed no anger and made no attempt to justify Himself, nor did He attempt to retaliate (see Matthew
26:59–63, 27:11–14, 27–31). Jesus remained calm and self-controlled. He trusted and lived by guidelines God inspired in the Scriptures.
Christians are called to follow the example of Jesus Christ (1 Peter 2:21) and develop the very mind of God (Philippians 2:5–6). The Bible reveals that God is gracious [patient, forgiving] and slow to anger (Psalm 103:8). The quality of being slow to anger is extremely important to God (Proverbs 16:32). Learning to avoid angry responses defuses difficult situations, turns away wrath and avoids strife (Proverbs 15:1, 18, 17:14, 27). According to the Bible, only fools get into arguments and vent their angry emotions on others (Proverbs 18:6–7, 29:20; Ecclesiastes 7:9). The key to becoming slow to anger is discretion—developing wisdom and discernment (Proverbs 19:11). This vital quality enables us to deal more effectively with thoughtless, even malicious, actions of others. It also helps us develop patience and self-control when dealing with difficult situations.
Jesus studied the Scriptures from childhood (Luke 2:41–47). It is no surprise that His teachings reflect biblical guidelines. Jesus said “blessed are the merciful... [and] the peacemakers” (Matthew 5:7–9). These are individuals who have learned how to avoid or overcome strife by controlling their human tendencies to get angry and wrathful. Jesus taught that harboring anger, hatred and giving in to name calling was the spiritual equivalent of murder (Matthew 5:21–22). He admonished His followers to strive to settle differences quickly and avoid drawn-out disagreements that only foster hatred and bitterness (Matthew 5:23–25). He taught that Christians should not retaliate, but “do good” to those who treat them badly (Matthew 5:38–44). The perspective that makes this a wise course of action instead of foolishness is that God will ultimately take care of any injustices that may occur (Romans 12:17–21). Our challenge, as Christians, is to “live peaceably” with everyone with whom we come into contact.
When we repent and are baptized, we are promised the gift of the Holy Spirit (Acts 2:38). As we learn to use this powerful gift, we can become more patient, kind, gentle and self-controlled (Galatians 5:22–23). If we do not use, or fail to nourish and exercise the Holy Spirit, we will be prone to exhibit the normal human traits of “hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions” that characterize most angry exchanges between people (Galatians 5:19–20). Some assume that the scripture “Be angry and do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26) allows for all kinds of anger. That simply is not true. Better translated, this verse implies “if you get angry, beware lest you sin” (see The New Testament from 26 Translations). Paul also warns, in the context of this scripture, that anger can give Satan a foothold in our lives and can grieve [limit the action of] the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 4:27–30). Anger, uncontrolled and of the wrong type, can hinder us from growing toward our goal—developing the mind of God—which involves thinking calmly, clearly and being slow to anger. Christian behavior must be guided by biblical principles—not driven by angry feelings and emotions. But there is another important key to defusing anger.
Forgiveness—A Forgotten Key
The Bible speaks at length of a quality that is often ignored or overlooked in our modern, emotiondriven society. That is the quality of forgiveness. The Scriptures reveal that the God we worship and are to emulate is a forgiving God—that forgiveness is part of his nature (Psalm 86:5, 103; 105). The gospel Jesus preached emphasized that God is willing to forgive our sins (Acts 13:18). However, Jesus also taught that unless we are willing and able to forgive others, we would not be forgiven (Matthew 6:12–15). Christians must learn to forgive from the heart— completely, and without any strings attached (Matthew 18:21–35). The Apostle Paul warns that an unwillingness or inability to forgive, on our part, can give Satan a foothold in our lives, to wreak havoc with our relationships and damage our physical, mental and spiritual health (2 Corinthians 2:6–11). Failing to understand the importance of forgiveness is asking for trouble!
The Apostle John states that God will forgive us when we are able to see and acknowledge our part in problems (1 John 1:9–10). This requires that we get rid of angry, self-justifying emotions that blind us to our own faults. John, reflecting the teachings of Jesus, warns that if we harbor hatred and bitterness against our brothers and sisters, we deceive ourselves and are not acting as Christians (1 John 2:9–11). Our challenge, as Christians, is to be loving, patient, understanding and forgiving. We must be willing to “lay down our lives” for others—willing to put aside our own angry emotions for the purpose of bringing peace (1 John 3:16–23). Forgiveness is a vital aspect of loving one another that our society is forgetting today!
To Forgive Is Divine?
Daniel wrote “to the Lord our God belong mercy and forgiveness” (Daniel 9:9). This may be the source of the idea that “to err is human, to forgive is Divine.” This implies that only God is able to forgive; human beings cannot be expected to act is such a manner. However, as we have seen, the Bible clearly teaches that we must learn to forgive. This requires an understanding of what it means to forgive someone. Forgiveness is learned through relationships. It is not something we learn off in a corner by ourselves. When we forgive from the heart, we also experience certain benefits. We feel a sense of calm and relief that dampens the desire to lash out and retaliate. We get over the mental turbulence that unforgiven hurts create. Forgiveness is learned through practice.
When we are hurt or offended, we have a choice of responses we can make—just like Cain. We can erect barriers of self-protection, become defensive and retaliate. We can avoid or ignore the offending person. We can gossip about the other person’s faults and seek people who will agree that we have been wronged. We can tell ourselves (self-talk) how bad or wrong the other person is and replay these thoughts endlessly—reinforcing our anger and hurt. Or we can choose to forgive—because forgiveness is also a human prerogative! However, the choice to forgive will take courage, conviction, compassion and commitment. It will also require knowledge of what forgiveness actually involves.
Forgiveness has two parts: (1) letting go of anger, and (2) making an effort to restore and rebuild relationships. For many of us, we think we have forgiven someone when we decide not to retaliate. But we never really let go of the underlying anger and we continue to avoid the offending person and make no effort to rebuild anything. This is not real forgiveness. We are only kidding ourselves that we have forgiven. Letting go of anger involves overcoming the desire to retaliate, ignore and avoid someone. Rebuilding a relationship involves being willing to talk things over, cooperate with and begin to speak well of the other person. Real forgiveness is difficult because it involves making changes in who we are and changing how we respond to others. Real forgiveness “requires a fundamental change of heart—a turning from old ways… If we are to learn to forgive, most of us must repent of the strategies that we use to cope with our hurts and our insistence on obtaining revenge (To Forgive is Human, McCullough, Sandage & Washington, pp. 75–76, 1997). To forgive from the heart requires a real change of heart—which is what Christian conversion is all about.
Learning to forgive also requires that we grow in our moral reasoning ability (see box on Moral Reasoning Levels). The Apostle Paul writes, “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things” (1 Corinthians 13:11). As Christians, we are admonished to grow in the knowledge of how God wants us to act (2 Peter 3:18). Forgiveness not only involves recognizing and overcoming our own negative tendencies to retaliate in anger, but learning how to promote positive relationships with those who have hurt us. This will be a challenge, but it is easier than you might think. Knowledge of what it really means to forgive is important. Following biblical guidelines and asking God for the help of His Spirit are also vital steps to take. But how do you get rid of chronic anger?
Dealing with Anger
Anger is a powerful emotion that involves the mind, body and behavioral habits we have acquired over a lifetime. Overcoming anger will involve taking steps to rearrange our thinking. We must learn to identify situations, perceptions and interpretations that generate anger in us and learn new habits and skills that reduce anger (see box on Dealing with Anger). To deal effectively with chronic anger and let go of hurt feelings we will have to change how we perceive offenses and how we react to offenses. One key is learning to empathize—trying to understand where the other person is coming from, and why they might have said or done something that hurt you. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Instead of jumping to conclusions, accusing and pointing the finger, try to understand what might have led to his or her actions. Maybe they had no evil or ulterior intentions at all. Maybe you have over-reacted and assigned blame prematurely and erroneously. If we learn to calmly act and think in this manner, we may find, in many situations, that our anger is unwarranted and letting go of anger will become easier. If we can empathize, it will also be easier to forgive.
Steps to Managing Anger
1. Analyze what makes you angry and how you handle it. Look for better ways to handle situations that provoke you to anger. Find good role models. Focus on dealing with the situation, not on accusing or avoiding the other person.
2. Anger is fomented and maintained by statements we make to ourselves (self-talk) and to other people about our problem. Learn to control your anger by reinterpreting the supposed provocation (“I’m sure they did not mean it in a negative way”; “they must have had a bad day, etc.”). This is how people who are slow to anger do it—they empathize and try to find possible reasons why the other people acted as they did. These new attitudes reduce the arousal of anger by removing the perception of being attacked. This method puts you in control of the situation, instead of reacting to it.
3. Use positive self-talk. Think, “stay cool; getting angry will not help this situation.” Stay focused on the issue, not the other person’s faults. Avoid inflammatory words that add to your anger and irritate others. Look for humor in difficult situations. Humor is calming. It defuses tense situations and is a sign of reconciliation.
This article is not meant to be a “lift yourself up by your own bootstraps attempt to solve all your problems. The point is to show there are sound principles in the Bible that can help deal with anger that is destructive to relationships and debilitating to our health. There are also practical skills that can be learned and developed through practice that will make forgiveness much easier than it may be for you at the moment. The next time you feel offended, think about your own need to be forgiven. It will motivate you to be forgiving. Remember that forgiveness has two parts: letting go of anger, and being willing to work at promoting better relationships. Make a real effort to empathize with the other person and try to understand where he or she may be coming from. How we react to offenses involves choices we make on our part. Make a conscious choice to honor and obey God by learning how to really forgive and to let go of angry emotions that only aggravate, but do not solve, our problems.