Scripture tells us that children are the gift of God (Psalm 127:3). Rearing godly children is a responsibility placed on parents by the Giver of that gift (Malachi 2:15). Unlike many animals, human babies are born helpless. Babies are without ability or instinct to go to the source of their nourishment. Child-rearing is thus basic to human society. It is the parents’ responsibility to prepare their children for life, from birth to adulthood.
Adam and Eve led the way in child-rearing. Regrettably, they set the example that mankind has followed for 6,000 years—a mixture of success and failure. Their failure led to uncontrolled anger, violence and death (Genesis 4:8).
They also failed in religious education. Their failure consigned their children to confusion and a loss of the knowledge of God—to ignorance of the purpose of life and death (Genesis 6:11).
As in any discipline or endeavor, there are elementary principles of child-rearing. Yet a majority of humankind is too impatient to learn and teach these fundamental tools for success in child-rearing.
The First Principle: Love
The human mind takes one of three tracks in responding to God:
- Terror—viewing God as a violent and selfish tyrant. This view, exemplified in many pagan religions and philosophies, portrays God as an authority figure who is unkind, uncaring and often arbitrary in His dealings with mankind.
- Ambivalence—viewing God as having no real authority or influence in our lives. This view is commonly exemplified by “agnostics” or those who believe that God wants us to find our own way, without any objective source of His guidance.
- Respect—accepting God as our Creator and the giver of all good gifts. This view should be held by true Christians, who respect God and His Word and see them as the light and guide for our walk through the human experience. From such a view, true love of God can develop.
The most important and basic lesson we can teach a child is love (1 Corinthians 13:1–8). First, we must have love toward God, as codified in the first four of the Ten Commandments. The first lesson parents must teach their children is “the fear [in other words, respect rather than terror or ambivalence] of the Lord.”
Next, children must be taught respect for others, as codified in the last six of the Ten Commandments. Without respect for God and His supreme rule, one will not respect one’s fellow man. Conversely, without respect for other human beings, one does not respect God, the Creator of all mankind.
Love toward neighbor is measured by how one respects or disrespects another’s person or things. Jesus summed up the Ten Commandments in two—love toward God, and love toward fellow man. “Jesus said to him ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 22:37–40).
Love is reflected by self-less-ness. Self-ish-ness is the opposite of love, demonstrated by dishonoring authorities (God, parents and civil authorities) by lying, stealing, killing and by cheating other persons.
The prime fruit of successful child-rearing is demonstrated by a spirit of cooperation, and sharing. A prime fruit of child rearing failure is exemplified in a spirit of competition. These fruits are evident early, and they continue throughout adolescence and into maturity. While many people modify their behavior in mid-life, they often revert to the same selfish traits they exhibited as a juvenile in “the golden years” — with the same fruit!
Someone told the following story about a grandmother overheard giving directions to a grandson who was coming to visit:
“You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14. I will buzz you in. Come inside; the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit button 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?” asked the grandson.
“You mean you’re coming empty-handed?” she replied.
One could think that this grandmother was assuming that her grandson had been taught to share. Or one might conclude that she had reverted to her childhood selfishness!
The Second Principle: Self Control
The second most crucial lesson parents should teach is self-control. Children who are not taught self-control are prime candidates for lives of broken relationships and of crime. The Apostle Paul described that in the “last days” our world would suffer from a lack of self-control. He wrote: “This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away” (2 Timothy 3:1–5, KJV).
Self-control comes from learning the meaning of “No.” It is taught by parental example and discipline. Too many parents fail to say no to their own “lusts of the flesh.” Few parents understand that saying no to themselves is the prerequisite for teaching no to their children.
Self-control, for children and parents alike, means acceptance of the meaning of “No.”
The Third Principle: Respect for Learning
“Lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5). Only a fool refuses to respect learning. The book of Proverbs is a book of wisdom from the ancient sages, Hebrew and Gentile. King Solomon gathered wise men around him from the nations around Israel, and he assembled their wisdom into a collection readily available to all who desire a right relationship with the Eternal God. The importance of getting knowledge cannot be over-emphasized (see Proverbs 2:3–5; 8:10; 10:14; 12:1; 18:15).
The fear of the Eternal is the beginning of knowledge (1:7). Learning to listen is the first step in getting knowledge and wisdom (4:1; 8:33; 19:20; 22:17; 23:19).
Parents and teachers who do not teach this lesson establish a destructive habit in their charges. We should teach our children to work at learning. Many modern American educators have wrongly reasoned that it is destructive to require adolescent children to listen and to work at learning. The result of this folly has been chaos in the classroom, hindering even the learning of those children who desire to learn. In America and much of the Western world, a common attitude is that education should be free—primary, secondary and sometimes even higher education. The reality, of course, is that somebody always pays. But when parents or children approach education with the idea that it was obtained without cost, there can be a tendency to discount its value, and not take full advantage of what is being offered. One way or another, it is those parents and children who work at the education process who gain the most from it.
Parents should also teach their children to develop a curiosity about “the world around.” Children should be taught to question “why” and “how” the world is what it is, both in “their world” and in the world at large.
The Fourth Principle: Endurance
The Western world today is often rightly described as a society of whiners. A great percentage of citizens refuse to accept responsibility for their own foolish decisions and actions. Social and legal institutions have developed that foster this mindset. This “victim mentality” has made many rich, and many others comfortable.
Wise parents, however, will teach their children to accept personal responsibility, and not just depend dangerously on government and social institutions. The ability to stand independently of government and social institutions can help a child avoid the heavy burden and trap of dependency, and instead become a productive member of society.
We should teach our children to establish practical goals in training and education, and to persevere in their pursuits. Enduring a few years of sacrifice and hard work is a small price to pay for attaining practical skills and education. Ignorance and ineptitude are far more costly over a lifetime, and can lead a child into a life of unhealthy dependence on the ungodly society around them.
The Fifth Principle: Godly Independence
Going along with the flow is easy. But the stream grows deeper and wider the longer one floats with the flow. It matters not what the crowd does; ultimately each person reaps the consequences of his or her actions. We should teach our children, early in life, to buck the current of Satan’s world. Godly children should learn to dare to be different from the worldly society around them, and to pursue the godly qualities that God desires in them—now, and for all eternity.
Following God, regardless of what people think, requires the strength and discipline of swimming against the current. Children may learn this lesson in many seemingly insignificant ways. Being “in style” is the universal trap that has derailed many children whose parents did not understand and teach the value of living by God’s standards, rather than man’s. For example, a conservative, modest style of dress and grooming reflects self-discipline—a godly attribute. Extremes either in modish or in ultraconservative dress and grooming reveal one’s attitude and mindset—and show that we are reflecting or reacting to the attitude of others. We should teach our children to dress according to the needs of the occasion, not the latest fads set by entertainment or sports personalities.
In a television interview on Larry King Live, the host asked Mr. Paul Harvey—perhaps America’s most highly respected newscaster/commentator—why he wore a coat and tie when recording his radio program. Mr. Harvey’s reply was that an engineer who had worked with him for decades told him that when he dressed casually his presentation reflected his dress. What was the point? People could not see via radio that he was dressed casually—but his voice inflection revealed it.
Parents who permit their children to wear radical styles popularized by “movie idols” and other “trend-setters” may not realize that they are allowing their children to drink in the rebellious attitudes of these individuals. But that is what they are doing—no different from letting them imitate a mobster because they admire or relate to his lifestyle.
Godly independence leads to following God—not the “crowd.”
The Sixth Principle: Learning to Lead
Leadership is learned by learning to follow.
My father-in-law, Mr. Peter H. Ochs, was a professional musician and businessman. He built an outstanding music school in the city of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. He established a youth marching band program that toured the United States and Canada. They toured and played in cities of seven European countries, without government subsidies! His senior marching band was requested to march and play in President Kennedy’s inauguration parade.
Through many years, he fought against corrupt business competitors and city and school officials who hated him because of the principles he stood for and by which he lived. He taught many young men how to lead. The principles by which he lived were incorporated in the development of a Feast of Tabernacles music program that became known and respected across the nation. Mr. Bill Halliar became his leading assistant choir director at the Wisconsin Dells Feast site. Mr. Halliar was an elder in another Church area; Mr. Ochs was “only a deacon.” In one organizational meeting, Mr. Ochs paid the highest compliment that can be given to an assistant in any organization. He said: “Bill Halliar is a real leader—he has played the best second fiddle of any man I have ever known.”
Satan would not “play second fiddle,” so he rebelled against God. He sought to overthrow God and take to himself the “first chair.” His rebellion caused chaos for the earth and the universe. And his spirit permeates the earth today, producing competition, hatred and warfare among all nations.
Leaders build, but competitors divide. Leaders have a spirit of giving and serving, but competitors think first and always of getting for self. Jesus was and is the ultimate leader. He created the heavens and the earth—and He gave oversight of the earth to the archangel who became Satan, the Destroyer. Jesus said that it is more blessed to give than to receive (Acts 20:35). He practiced what He preached by divesting Himself of His divinity, reconciling us to God by His death (Philippians 2:8).
The Seventh Principle: Conquering Fear by Faith
We live in a fear-laden society. The various media feed on violence, in both news and entertainment—and sometimes blur the distinction between news and entertainment. Violence seems to be almost everywhere in our world today, and many are fearful as a result.
Parents must conquer their own fears, and teach by their actions. Parents must teach their children to conquer fear by faith. The Apostle Paul wrote: “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28). Also, he wrote to the brethren at Philippi: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).
Fear paralyzes, but it is overcome by action. As the Apostle John wrote during a time of persecution: “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18).
The Eighth Principle: Conquering Anger
Anger is the basis of murder. Uncontrolled anger led to the first murder, when Cain killed his brother Abel (Genesis 4:6–8).
Jesus said: “But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire” (Matthew 5:22).
Christ revealed to the Apostle John that the whole earth will be in a state of anger at the end of the age (Revelation 11:18).
The wisdom of ancient king Solomon provides parents with very good reasons to overcome and learn to manage anger:
- A quick-tempered person is foolish (Proverbs 14:17).
- Do not make friends with an angry man, or go with a furious person (Proverbs 22:24).
- An angry man creates strife—he cannot let a matter lay (Proverbs 29:22).
- Do not be hasty to anger, for anger rests in the bosom of fools (Ecclesiastes 7:9).
The Ninth Principle: Learning to Trust
Because we live in “a wicked and perverse generation,” there is risk in trusting. But one cannot live without an element of trust. Without trust, one cannot commit to a marriage relationship. Distrust will corrode and destroy a marriage. Often, one who does not trust will seek to control or manipulate the other party in the relationship.
Yet trust must be tempered by reason. Teaching how to trust is a very important part of training a child. Trust lies at the heart of every intimate relationship—including business and financial relationships as well as personal relationships. Preparing your child to trust is a process that begins with infancy and continues on to adulthood.
Children must learn that character is vital. If a person has little or no character, how can he be expected to be trustworthy? If we have a relationship with such a person, we must limit our trust in him. And as we apply this principle to others, we should also ask ourselves: “Am I trustworthy?”
A person’s core beliefs, and principles of living, will affect our ability to trust. Children should be taught to recognize that if their friends have no problem with lying, or illegal drug use, or with excessive drinking, they may not be trustworthy.
Trust is also fostered by common family cultures and traditions. Especially when seeking a spouse, knowing the upbringing and values of a potential mate can help build trust. Of course, the deepest common family cultures and traditions are those centered on God and His ways. Divergent family cultures may add spice to a relationship if they are godly and positive, but seriously divergent family traditions may create misunderstanding, mistrust and conflict.
The Tenth Principle: Faithfulness
God is faithful (1 Corinthians 1:9; 1 Corinthians 10:13). If we are to be sons of God, we must learn to be faithful. Faithfulness is learned through our personal relationships with other people. One cannot claim to be faithful to God while being unfaithful to one’s fellow man (1 John 4:20–21).
Recently, a man walked into a store with a little 3-year-old boy in tow. He placed the boy in a shopping cart, went into one section of the store, placed a toy in the little boy’s hand, then strolled out—abandoning him without a backward glance. Are parents who know the truth of God—who abandon their children to a godless world and to a state of ignorance of God—worse than such a man?
What does God think of parents who neglect or abandon their children to Satan’s world? Our children are one of our greatest responsibilities. How can we neglect them? Children are the gift of God (Psalm 127:3). May God give us the heart to use our responsibility toward our children to learn to love them, and teach them to love others, as God has loved us.