Our Spiritual Father is totally consistent in how He deals with us, His children. His guidelines are always valid, and His Word is totally trustworthy. He does not violate His own spiritual law; His attitude is not: “Do what I say, not what I do.”
God tells us: “For I am the Lord, I do not change” (Malachi 3:6). This means that God is consistent in His laws, His spiritual principles and His way of life. What if our God were inconsistent?
We often see the fruit of inconsistency in the daily lives of those around us. Years ago, my wife and I watched one such glaring example at the supermarket. A mother with several children was doing her shopping, and her children were wild. They were running up and down the aisles and pulling things off the shelves. Every so often, the mother would yell out in extreme frustration: “Get over here or I am going to spank you!” They would calm down for a moment or two, and they would take off again. After a few minutes, the mother would yell out: “Do you want me to whip you?”
This yelling, screaming, inconsistent mother made her life miserable! Her children always knew that if they slowed down for a few moments, their mother’s wild and irresponsible threats would subside, and they could soon go back to what they were doing.
Unlike this harried mother, Jesus Christ and God the Father are totally consistent, for our benefit. They want what is best for us, and they will not confuse us with inconsistency.
The dictionary defines “consistency” as: “constant, steady, regular, persistent, unchanging, undeviating, unified” (Webster’s Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary). That describes the type of parent that anyone would want, especially when accompanied by a healthy dose of unconditional love and appropriate forgiveness. This is the fertile ground for a child’s healthy growth, along with having a sense of being valued and the security of firm guidelines that will not change.
Even rebellious teens will tell you that they need consistent parents. Consistency is the bedrock of confidence! It is something that children can count on. Children with consistent parents may not always like every parental guideline, but at least their world is stable and not constantly changing. They know what to expect.
Consistency in discipline and parental example is crucial! People most often think of discipline as “punishment,” but punishment is only one aspect of discipline. Discipline is “training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental or moral character” (ibid.).
Christ’s early followers who were being trained in the Way of life were called “disciples.” The word “disciple” is derived from the word “discipline.” Christ taught the disciples; He encouraged them, and sometimes corrected them. His goal was to train disciples who could live and teach the Christian discipline (the Way of life).
Parents train, or discipline, their children with encouragement, praise and rewards, and also with correction and penalties. This is the same principle that God uses with us. He promises us blessings for obedience (Deuteronomy 28:1–14) and correction and penalties (curses) for disobedience (Deuteronomy 28:15–46).
Regrettably, many parents have tried to rework the Creator’s child rearing (child training) principles into whatever seems best to them. Unwittingly, they may be acting as though they know more about child rearing than God Himself does.
In previous decades, many parents relied primarily on restrictive authority and on punishments for disobedience. Little encouragement or unconditional love was given, and parents with this approach became unloving authoritarians. In recent years, the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction, with parents offering ample praise and encouragement, but little or no correction or discipline for disobedience. Permissiveness is the ditch in which children never learn or gain self-control.
So being consistently authoritarian is not the answer! Being consistently permissive is not the answer! True consistency requires the balance that we find in God’s Word—which includes real blessings for obedience, and penalties for disobedience.
Consistent penalties for disobedience teach children a lesson that will benefit them for their entire lives—the lesson of “cause and effect.” This is how the world operates. If you jump out your second-story bedroom window, gravity will always work, and you will pay a price for your mistake. Drive your car too fast around a curve, on a rainy night, and there will be a price to pay. Break the laws of the land, and there is a price to pay. Transgress God’s spiritual laws, and there is always a price to pay. Children need to live in a family environment where they know that if they violate the parents’ rules or standards of behavior, there is always a price to pay.
Parents who do not teach their children “cause and effect” do their children a serious disservice. How can a child learn cause and effect if he never experiences the effect of his behavior? How can a toddler learn cause and effect if, when he is told to “come here,” he can ignore his father without any follow-up discipline? How can a young child learn cause and effect if he throws an angry tantrum in his mother’s face and she simply shrugs her shoulders in exasperation? How can a teenager learn cause and effect if he receives a ticket for reckless driving and his parents pay the fine?
Consistency with a toddler, with rules and guidelines and punishment for disobedience, leads to consistency as a teen, which leads to consistency as an adult, which can lead to consistency as a future son of God. The process of learning cause and effect—with consistent blessings for obedience and correction for disobedience—is the foundation for future character formation and for a successful life. Parents can either assist God with this process, or can make the eventual conversion process more difficult for their children.
“Because the sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil” (Ecclesiastes 8:11). The pattern that is set in childhood generally carries on throughout life. A parent who does not consistently discipline quickly for disobedience does not establish the “cause and effect” principle in a child’s early years. The resulting child, teen and adult sees rules and guidelines (whether in the home or in the school system or on the job) as restrictions that only occasionally bring negative consequences.
Both my wife and I were blessed to have parents who were very consistent in child rearing. Not all have been privileged to experience a pattern of consistency in child rearing, but we all experience the pattern of our Spiritual Father, who is totally consistent with us. We can clearly see from God’s Word that the Creator of the universe operates on the “blessing for obedience and correction for disobedience” principle. If we follow this principle consistently in child rearing, we lay the foundation for the future family of God.
This can be taught at the very beginning of a child’s life. Years ago, our eight-month-old daughter began to enjoy exploring her environment while seated in her little walker. One day she rolled up to a large potted houseplant, and began grabbing the soil with her hands, making a big mess and dropping dirt on the floor. I remember walking over to her and telling her that this was a “nono,” and that she must not play with the dirt or the plant.
A few minutes later, the excitement of the houseplant must have returned to her mind. Once again she rolled over to the plant, and dug into the soil with her little hands. I immediately pulled her away from the plant, gave her hands a few quick and gentle swats, and reminded her that the plant was not to play with. Of course, she cried at this new experience of discipline, but I believe she only tried to dig at the plant one more time (after which she received the same discipline as a result). From that point forward, her eight-month-old mind recognized that the houseplant and its dirt were never to be played with again.
By contrast, how might parents handle my daughter’s behavior if they do not consistently teach their children cause and effect?
- They might pull the child’s hands out of the plant soil, and every time tell the child “no” without giving any corrective discipline.
- When they saw the child heading toward the plant, they might grab its walker, turn it around and head the child in the opposite direction.
- They might move the plant into another room where the child could not reach it.
- They might ask an older child to stand guard in front of the plant.
In each of these examples, would the child learn anything? All the child might learn is that persistence in disobedience “pays off” with their parents. Parents who do not teach “cause and effect” would most likely give in eventually, and allow the child to play with the plant; after all, the child is “so cute” and “doesn’t really know any better at such a young age.”
I remember a couple whose three-year-old daughter had a fascination with a small wooden figure that sat on our coffee table. While we talked with her parents, the little girl would walk up to the carving and grab it, attempting to pull it apart. The parents would repeatedly grab the carving out of her hands and tell her “no,” but she would return to it again and again. There was never any thought of discipline, and the child never learned cause and effect from her parents.
Consistent discipline in child rearing makes life so much easier. Once a child receives understandable guidelines, any infraction results in discipline. The reality of cause and effect sets the pattern for life. Some “do-gooders” may not believe in any corporal punishment whatsoever, thinking that they have children’s well-being at heart, but they fail to understand human nature and what is truly best for children: unconditional love and learned obedience with applied correction.
God’s Word tells us: “Now no chastening [discipline] seems joyful for the present, but grievous…. afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:11, KJV). How peaceful it is when children have been taught obedience right from the start. Even young children can be a real joy to a family when they are taught the habit of obedience.
When a child is old enough to be taught to “come” when called, for example, there are never any exceptions to obedience. I have seen some parents actually count: “1, 2, 3” and when the child does not come, the parent may finally walk over to him and pull him by the hand. This becomes an early lesson to the child on how he can control his parents.
Another popular threat is: “I’m telling you for the last time.” Even this threat may become: “This is your last… last chance.” I saw one amazing example of this with a young father and his little son: the “three ‘no’ rule”— meaning that the father’s first two “no’s” were ignorable; only the third was supposed to count. Yet even after “‘no’ number three,” there was never any follow-up discipline; the father would simply walk over, grab his son, and take him away from whatever he was not supposed to be doing.
Many parents tell their children, over and over again, to “do something” or to “stop doing something.” Finally, they explode in anger when they cannot tolerate their children’s disobedience any longer. This teaches a child that “cause and effect” only applies when parents become exasperated, and that the “trick” for a child is to learn to read the signs of when parents are coming close to their limit.
Parents make it so much easier on themselves when they teach their children that “no” means “no” and “yes” means “yes.” Life is much more difficult for parents who allow whining and pleading to occur. “But Mom… why can’t I? Pleassssse, I really want to!” When parents give in to such pleas, they teach their children an important lesson: if they whine and plead long enough, the parent will eventually give in, and they will get what they want.
Mr. Herbert Armstrong taught that parents should tune in to a child’s attitude just as much as his actions. Any sulking, anger or obvious rebellion should always be corrected. Children who stamp their feet, or throw themselves on the ground in an obvious show of anger, should always be disciplined. Pseudo-psychologists who believe that children should be allowed to express their anger to their parents simply do not understand human nature. Anger is like a muscle: the more it is allowed to be exercised, the stronger it becomes.
Every parent has likely disciplined a child, even with an appropriate spanking, and found that the child was crying not from sorrow or repentance, but from obvious anger. If this is not addressed, the necessary lesson will not be learned—and nothing will be gained but a hardening of the child’s attitude. In this circumstance, it becomes necessary to remind the child why he was disciplined in the first place, and then explain that he will also be disciplined for his attitude of anger. In most cases, the child’s attitude will change quickly, and his cry will turn more to a repentant spirit than to rebellion or anger.
For most young children, there are other appropriate forms of punishment besides spanking. Of course, “the punishment should always fit the crime.” In our household, we would occasionally have our children stand in a corner for minor offenses. This seemed to be effective, since they really disliked the boredom of standing facing the corner of the room without being allowed to look around.
Once, one of our sons ran outside, slamming the door behind, rattling the windows with the force of the slamming door. My wife had previously pointed out why slamming the door was not acceptable in our home, so he knew better but had simply “forgotten.” When children are quickly disciplined in spite of the excuse “but I forgot,” it is amazing how quickly their memory is sharpened. In this particular situation, my wife simply had our son open and close the door quietly 25 times. It really seemed to drive home the point, and his memory was no longer an issue.
One form of punishment that we found to be ineffective was sending a child to his room. Most children today have plenty to do in their rooms, and this “punishment” simply allows them extra time to be angry and to sulk. In most cases, loving discipline can be carried out quickly, and the parent can then comfort the child, reminding him of how much he is loved. It is also helpful to remind the child occasionally that God holds the parents responsible for how they train their children.
As children are taught the principle of cause and effect: “blessing for obedience and punishment for disobedience”, it is important that we not forget the “blessing for obedience” side of the equation. Verbal approval for a job well done, including a greater level of eye contact and a smile, can accomplish a great deal. Children, like adults, appreciate being appreciated. We need to follow the example of our Spiritual Father who absolutely promises to reward those who seek Him. “For he who comes to God must believe that He is [exists] and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him” (Hebrews 11:6). God’s promise of reward for obedience can be a strong motivator.
Years ago, when two or three of our children were still pre-school age and could not yet read, my wife made a chart for all four of our children. She used pictures to remind them of their daily and weekly chores, rewarding them with a certain amount of money for each completed job. There was a drawing of a made-up bed to remind them of that daily chore. There was a picture of a toothbrush, of a dog with its bowl, of a pair of pajamas hanging on a hook, and of children sitting at the table (with smiles on their faces) with a clock nearby to remind them to be on time at the breakfast table. At the end of the month, the rewards were added up and money was given to the children. It was theirs to save or spend, after their tithe to God was set aside.
Occasionally you hear of people who believe that children should never be paid for doing chores. They think it will ruin their character to be paid for their work. Yes, it is true that children should not be paid for routine obedience, such as coming quickly when called or playing nicely with their brothers and sisters. But teaching children the value of the work ethic with rewards is certainly a right principle. Giving children an allowance without expecting anything in return is the wrong principle. Even God promises to reward us for our efforts: “For the Son of Man will come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and then He will reward each according to his works.” (Matthew 16:27) Are we wiser at child rearing than God the Father Himself?
The sooner we ingrain in our young children the overall principle of consistent blessing for obedience and correction for disobedience, the more obedient a child becomes—and the more peaceful a household becomes. Consistency is a tremendous key!
Many parents, like the mother mentioned at the start of this article, cannot comfortably shop with their children because they are out of control. When our children were little and I was at work, my wife would take all four of our children with her when she went grocery shopping. She was able to shop with them in peace—not because they were abnormal children with some genetic disposition for obedience, but because both unconditional love and consistent discipline were applied from the earliest years. The bottom line is that God’s principles of child-rearing work! He knows what He is doing.
We must remember that children, having acquired human nature, are attracted to disobedience like a magnet—and disobedience must be dealt with consistently. On the other hand, obedience and doing what is right must be taught. Proper child rearing is a huge dose of child training. Proverbs 22:6 instructs us to “train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Every rule or guideline should be logical and explainable. “Just because I said so” does not inspire the right motivation for long-term obedience. Instead of just telling a toddler “don’t run into the street,” you can add: “I don’t want you to be hit by a car and injured or killed.”
“Don’t jump on the couch,” could be explained by “it will ruin the couch” or “you could fall off and injure yourself” or “it is distracting adults who are trying to have a conversation.” Then, after the explanation, every infraction must be followed by further loving discipline.
The foundational purpose of any discipline must be the child’s wellbeing! The underlying reason for discipline should never be anger or a desire to “get even.” Most parents have probably, at some time, lashed out in anger when frustrated or exasperated. This is something that we should all work to overcome. Remember God’s instruction: “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). Children must learn and know that we discipline them because we love them. We really do want what is best for them, and we want them to grow up to be happy and successful adults as well as fulfilled members of the Family of God.
How crucial it is that we begin to teach our children today, no matter what their age, the vital lesson of “cause and effect”—blessing for obedience and correction for disobedience. This is the foundation for their eventual eternal life. My wife has a “theme scripture” for child rearing; she may have “worn it out” on our children, but I am extremely thankful for it: “I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live” (Deuteronomy 30:19). This is God’s principle of child rearing for us as future sons of God. It should also be our principle of child-rearing, with our own children, for their life-long happiness.
Common Questions About Discipline
- Is physical punishment or spanking harmful, as many in the world believe?
What does our perfect Parent have to say about this? “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly” (Proverbs 13:24). If we truly love our children, we will discipline them promptly and consistently. We can think of a “rod” as a twig or switch that could sting the skin, yet not injure the child. Even just a few light swats on bare legs, using the flat surface of the hand, can be sufficient to discipline very young children. Under no circumstance should a child ever be “hit” or “beaten” in any sense of those words. A spanking should never result in injury, or leave bruises or marks on the skin.
- Should children be spanked publicly?
Not in today’s society! There have been many cases of reported child abuse where the parents were simply applying proper corporal punishment in a loving manner. The fact of the matter is that if parents apply consistent discipline early on from childhood, children will rarely need discipline when in public. On the rare occasions when public discipline may be needed, a simple reminder of the infraction, and a promise that they will be receiving their punishment when they return home, will be quite effective. As always, of course, the key is follow-through.
- At what age is spanking effective?
Spanking is effective when a child is old enough to understand a parent’s instruction. When our eight-month-old daughter received a few light taps on her hands for digging in the dirt around a houseplant, she certainly had enough understanding to learn from that experience, after which she avoided the houseplant as if it was not worth the trouble.
What is the upper end of the age-range for appropriate spanking? Obviously, children are individuals, and the answer must be tailored for each individual. Most everyone agrees that spanking a teenager is not effective. At that age, spanking tends to generate humiliation, anger and rebellion. Some children who are pliable, and have been taught with consistent discipline, probably do not need corporal punishment beyond the age of five or six, or at least their spankings are reserved for only the rare disobedience and defiance. Other children, with a more resistant nature, may need occasional spankings up to the ages of eight or ten. The need should become increasingly rare as a child matures.