Comedian Rodney Dangerfield’s trademark was his complaint: “I get no respect!” Though he made a joke of it, his plight hits home with all of us. We have all been the victims of discourtesy at one time or another in our lives. Yet respect is one of the most important qualities God wants us to develop.
As we were growing up, perhaps strangers and older children did not show us respect, and although this sometimes hurt, we may even have learned to take it in stride. But if our parents failed to respect us, the hurt was far deeper. As we grew, if our peers did not hold us in high esteem, it could wound our self-image and challenge our attitude even more. Then, with age—just when we were hoping to gain the respect that is supposed to come with maturity, we were crushed when younger people showed us disrespect.
Disrespect can hurt. But what is the real cause of disrespect between people? We all want to feel that we are worth something. We want to be loved, honored and respected for our contributions to family, school, workplace and community. So, what can we do to build other people’s respect for us, and to learn how to cope when our respect for others is not reciprocated? We can glean from Scripture some basic principles to help us develop respect for others, and to earn respect in return.
Learn to Give and Get Respect
Children need to be taught to show respect. They must learn that God loves people of every race and color making up the human family, and that each individual has vast potential in His eyes. This is a lesson that every parent or guardian of a child must teach personally—it cannot be left to a day-care provider or a school. A loving and nurturing home environment provides for each child a fundamental training ground for giving and receiving respect. “Correct your son, and he will give you rest; yes, he will give delight to your soul” (Proverbs 29:17). Children who do not learn early in life how to show respect to others are likely to face great difficulty receiving the respect that will help them thrive and grow.
Yet, in today’s Western world, millions of children enter school without having received even the most basic lessons in giving and receiving respect—and, as a result, their teachers often must act more like wardens and truant officers than teachers. God powerfully exhorts all mothers and fathers: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).
So, what can young people do if they grow up in a household where respect is not taught and nurtured—if the adults around them do not set the best examples, and do not seem “worthy” of respect? Although this may be a “hard saying” for some, God did not promise it would be easy when He commanded: “Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the LORD your God is giving you” (Deuteronomy 5:16).
Notice that God promises a physical blessing in this life to those who obey His commandment. It is worth the effort! It is not that we should look the other way if ungodly parents pull their children into activities that would destroy their relationship with God; rather, we must simply show every bit of right respect that is owed to the “office” of parent. Young people are often surprised to discover how differently the adults around them behave when they hear a sincerely spoken “Yes, sir” or “No, sir”—or “Yes, Ma’am” and “No, Ma’am”—in response to a question or request. The simple act of listening to an adult attentively, and responding with courtesy, will often gain a young person great favor with the adults in his or her life.
Better yet, when you start to treat others with that kind of simple respect, you will usually find, over time, that they learn by your example to return the respect! And once you have learned to show consistent courtesy to your parents, whom you know so well, it will be that much easier to extend respect to others—teachers, bosses, cashiers—whom you do not know very well. As you do this, you will develop a reputation for responsiveness and courtesy, and you will be setting an example that will encourage others to rise to your level! Try this, and see for yourself that God was not kidding when He promised that it will “be well with you” when you obey His commands—including His instruction to honor the hoary head (Leviticus 19:32, KJV).
Respect should not just flow between adults and young people; it is a vital part of every healthy marriage! Some married couples may have forgotten, or become lax in fulfilling, the obligations into which they entered upon taking their marriage vows. “Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33). Indeed, respect has sometimes repaired even the most difficult marital situations. Unconverted mates have occasionally been so impressed by the respectful example of a converted spouse that they have chosen to respond to God and enter His Church.
Do not underestimate the value of common courtesy in a marriage. Husbands, praise and encourage your wives regularly—not just when they do something you think is extra-special. Say, “I love you.” Demonstrate by your words and deeds that you respect and deeply value your wife’s role in the household—maybe even doing some of the household chores from time to time. Wives, if your husband is not as respectful or responsive as you think he should be, take the first step and find a sincere compliment you can give him. If he barks at you in anger, surprise him by responding with love instead of anger (Proverbs 15:1). No, this may not be a panacea for every troubled marriage—but many underestimate the immense healing that can come as a result of sincere respect, consistently shown.
Many of the same principles discussed above also apply in the workplace. Notice: “Servants, be submissive to your masters with all fear, not only to the good and gentle, but also to the harsh. For this is commendable, if because of conscience toward God one endures grief, suffering wrongfully. For what credit is it if, when you are beaten for your faults, you take it patiently? But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God” (1 Peter 2:18–20).
Do you ever catch yourself acting like a “prima donna” instead of a team member? Remember: “But now indeed there are many members, yet one body. And the eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I have no need of you’; nor again the head to the feet, ‘I have no need of you.’ No, much rather, those members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary… But God composed the body, having given greater honor to that part which lacks it, that there should be no schism in the body, but that the members should have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and members individually” (1 Corinthians 12:20–27). Do you show due respect to all the fellow members of your office “team”—from the CEO to the most junior employee? The team with the greatest prospects for winning the game is the one in which each player is willing to play his or her role at full capacity, and to let others play their roles with full support from every team member. “Hogging the ball” or “second-guessing the coach” is not a winning team strategy.
Pride and Respect
No matter our best intentions, disrespect will occasionally intrude into our families, our teams and our workplaces. Why does this happen? One fundamental reason is pride. What does God say? “Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders. Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for ‘God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.’ Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:5–7).
Do you think you know better than your parents? Do you think, “My boss is an idiot”? God does not list either of these as valid excuses for failing to show proper respect. Yes, we have all fallen short (Romans 3:23). But God makes His expectation plain: “‘For all those things My hand has made, and all those things exist,’ says the LORD. ‘But on this one will I look: on him who is poor and of a contrite spirit, and who trembles at My word’” (Isaiah 66:2). Hard as it may sometimes be, God expects us to be humble in dealing with a proud parent or a difficult boss—or an unresponsive mate. And He promises a great reward to those who faithfully display this character trait: “But Jesus called them to Himself and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:25–28).
How can we maintain a respectful attitude of service to those around us? The Apostle Paul gives a valuable formula: “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 2:3–5).
We all want respect, just like Rodney Dangerfield. But in order to receive it, we must give it to those around us—not just to those whose favor we seek. We must do unto others as we would have them do unto us (Leviticus 19:18: Matthew 7:12). As we develop the habit of giving right respect to all of our fellow human beings—individuals created in God’s image as potential members of His Family, and for whom Jesus Christ was willing to sacrifice His life—we will find that our relationships will improve. In humility we will demand less respect from others, yet by our fruits we will gain more respect than ever before. And we will serve as living testimonies of God’s way, as beacons of light in a coarsening world. “Those who are wise shall shine like the brightness of the firmament, and those who turn many to righteousness like the stars forever and ever” (Daniel 12:3).