If you are lonely, you know the deep pain you have inside. Perhaps it is a gnawing feeling of having no friends. Maybe you spend each day as a single, living alone and eating each meal by yourself. Or perhaps you are a widow or widower who now finds yourself alone after your beloved spouse’s death. Either way, the reality for you is that you battle the very real emptiness of loneliness every day of your life.
Everyone feels lonely at times. Yet, for far too many, loneliness is a way of life. They yearn for companionship and pray for friends, but for one reason or another they have not connected with others in a way that takes away their persistent pain.
Is that God’s will for you? How could it be, when God wants all His children to feel the joy of close relationships? In this Satan-influenced world, many lack the close relationships they seek. Loneliness is a by-product of the competitive, greedy and selfish society in which we live, where many feel they have been bypassed and forgotten by others. Sadly, even some in God’s Church are touched by loneliness.
If loneliness is not God’s will for you, what can you do to break out of its grip? Read on for the answer!
Different Kinds of Loneliness
It is important to recognize that there is a difference between loneliness and being alone. We sometimes choose to be alone, such as when we seek solitude. Even Jesus sought times to be alone, especially for prayer (Matthew 14:23; Mark 1:35). Being alone is essential for recharging our batteries. It is often positive and helpful.
Loneliness, on the other hand, can be called unwanted solitude. From the time we are born, we seek attachment and connection with others. Loneliness is the feeling of isolation, alienation and being disconnected from others—and there are different kinds of loneliness, such as situational, emotional or chronic (Biblical Counseling Quick Reference Guide, Tim Clinton and Ron Hawkins, p. 143).
Examples of situational loneliness include life events such as our parents’ divorce, the end of a close relationship, or a move to a different town. Situational loneliness can occur whenever intimate relationships are severed, changed or disrupted.
The death of a loved one is perhaps the most significant cause of severe situational loneliness. Because of the utter finality of death, we understand we will never again in this life have the opportunity to share time with the person we now miss. This leaves in our hearts a gaping hole that our loved one had once filled, and the resulting pain we feel is unavoidable and real. Situational loneliness is a natural result of such a loss.
The good news is that coping with situational loneliness tends to become easier over time, as we grow to accept the reality of our loss. There is no avoiding the initial pain, but when we face this type of loneliness we can be reassured that the pain will indeed lessen in time.
Emotional loneliness can be situational, too, but it includes a different element. It occurs when we feel the pain of emotional separation from others—even those around us. Emotional loneliness is something we may feel even when we are with a group of people. Perhaps because of past hurts, we have learned to withdraw our emotions to protect ourselves. The problem with this attempt to cope is that it begins a vicious cycle—we pull away from people, which in turn leads them to pull away from us. The end result is more loneliness.
At its core, emotional loneliness tends to be driven by how we believe others view us—whether or not they accept us. At some point, people can begin to consider themselves as “odd” or “weird” or “different” because of parental, sibling or peer ridicule or abuse. To mitigate the emotional pain, attempts to find acceptance can lead to destructive behaviors—including sin—that ultimately make us feel worse.
We may occupy our time with empty pursuits such as watching hour after hour of television, mindlessly surfing the Web or playing video games, overspending due to constant shopping, or overeating to make us feel better. Because such pursuits can never satisfy our deep need for acceptance, these attempts to “escape” from our reality can escalate to include the abuse of alcohol or other drugs, or even to committing fornication or adultery in a desperate search for companionship. However, these short-term bad choices can lead to an even greater problem: chronic loneliness.
When we experience persistent feelings that something is inherently wrong with us—that we are incapable of belonging or being understood—deep despair can result. Besides affecting our health with maladies such as high blood pressure, diabetes or cancer, our mental health can become beset by depression, anger, violent outbursts and even thoughts of suicide. If this describes your present frame of mind, you should seek counsel right away. It is dangerous to allow yourself to continue down this path, because it leaves you especially vulnerable to Satan’s influence (Ephesians 4:26–27; 1 Peter 5:8).
Someone Can Relate
One problem we commonly face when we are lonely is that we tend to believe that no one fully understands how we feel. In our self-pity, we may reject the notion that anyone has ever felt the utter rejection we are experiencing. Yet not only is this belief false—it is a reaction that tends to cause more loneliness, because when we feel this way we repel any who try to help.
The Bible, however, reveals that no matter the pain of our loneliness, there is One who can relate. A prophecy written of the Messiah more than 600 years before His birth gives us a sense of the struggles our Savior endured as a human being, describing Him as one who “has no form or comeliness; and when we see Him, there is no beauty that we should desire Him” (Isaiah 53:2). Christ did not come as some type of super-hero who could not be touched by the same feelings we experience. Indeed, Isaiah tells us, “He is despised and rejected by men, a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief” (v. 3). One who was “despised and rejected” certainly knows the pain of loneliness! The words “sorrows” and “grief” can mean “pains” and “sickness,” which indicates how deeply Jesus felt the full human experience. Isaiah goes on to reveal that the people “hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.”
Isaiah 52:13–53:12 describes in excruciating detail the depth of suffering Jesus Christ endured at the hands of the people He came to save. Yes, our Savior is acquainted with situational and emotional loneliness that comes from being despised and rejected!
Beyond this pain, He also experienced deep loneliness as a result of His disciples’ weaknesses. During what He knew was His last night, Jesus was in emotional anguish because of the suffering He faced. Yet this was the moment He most needed the support of His closest friends: “Then they came to a place which was named Gethsemane; and He said to His disciples, ‘Sit here while I pray.’ And He took Peter, James, and John with Him, and He began to be troubled and deeply distressed. Then He said to them, ‘My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch’” (Mark 14:32–34).
Even though He tried to share His distress with Peter, James and John, these close disciples were unable to stay awake while Jesus prayed. Three times they disappointed Christ when He asked them to watch with Him. At this crucial moment, when He needed His friends’ support the most, they let Him down.
But that was not all. When Judas Iscariot arrived at the behest of the Jews’ religious authorities, accompanied by a heavily armed mob, Jesus found that His disciples “all forsook Him and fled” (Mark 14:50). This did not surprise Him, for Jesus had told them earlier that “indeed the hour is coming, yes, has now come, that you will be scattered, each to his own, and will leave Me alone” (John 16:32). Despite their strong protestations that they would not deny Him, they all left Him alone when trouble came (Matthew 26:35). Yes, Jesus Christ Himself knows the loneliness that we can feel when we are abandoned by friends.
But even this was not His last experience with loneliness. After He was taken into custody, and was sentenced to crucifixion in an illegal trial, Roman taunters mocked and then mercilessly scourged Him as He was taken to Golgotha. As the taunting and ridicule continued around Him, Jesus writhed in immense physical agony caused by the metal spikes driven through His hands and feet. Finally, at about 3:00 p.m., “Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, ‘Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?’ that is, ‘My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?’” (Matthew 27:46).
At that precise moment, Jesus, as the “Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world,” became the supreme sacrifice to cover our sins. This was what His entire life was pointing toward—the reason He came as a human being. However, this was also the very moment when He experienced complete and total loneliness for the first and only time in His eternal existence.
Here is how Dr. Roderick C. Meredith described that moment, in program 30 of his online Bible Study, The Gospel of Matthew (available at www.lcg.org): “Here, for the first time, He was cut off from His Father. He sensed the weight of our sins which were put upon Him, and He had no extra help at that moment. He felt that! ‘My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?’ He became the sinbearer for you and for me.”
In addition to the physical pain, the mental anguish and the humiliation Jesus experienced, try to imagine the overwhelming sense of loneliness He felt at that moment! He was completely cut off from the Father—with whom He had eternally shared a close relationship. For the first time, He was completely alone!
Yes, no matter your sense of loneliness, it is safe to say that He has been there—and beyond. Through Him, those struggling with their own feelings of abandonment can find help during their time of need (Hebrews 4:14–16).
We should recognize a key reason why Jesus was able to put into perspective His experience of loneliness. He understood that being cut off from the Father was a temporary necessity, but He knew that ultimately God would not forsake Him. Earlier, when predicting that His disciples would leave Him alone, He also stated, “And yet I am not alone, because the Father is with Me” (John 16:32).
This is a great lesson for the lonely. If you are one of God’s children, you are never really alone. In fact, God’s promise to those who remain faithful is, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). When we feel abandoned, do we really believe this promise from God? Jesus did, and in doing so He set for all lonely people an example of the strength we can feel when we need it the most.
The Power of Oneness
To understand what we can do to better cope with loneliness, we must go back to the creation of human beings. God’s original design for relationships reveals an important concept that is vital to our making connections with others.
Genesis 1 describes God’s process of creation. A variety of plants and vegetation were created on the third day, and various kinds of animals were brought to life on the fifth day (Genesis 1:11–13; 20–23). Though verses 26–31 show that God created mankind on the sixth day, we get a more complete picture of the chronology in Genesis 2:7–8, where we learn that “the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being. The LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden, and there He put the man whom He had formed.”
Notice that God first created a single person! He certainly could have created both man and woman at the same time—so, what is the significance of His first creating a single human being? Perhaps a clue is in the first task He gave that man: “Out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name. So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field” (Genesis 2:19–20). Scripture does not tell us what Adam thought while he was naming the animals, but it does describe a conclusion he drew from the exercise—that “for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him” (Genesis 2:20). Through the process of examining each kind of animal, the man came to realize that he was alone! What a powerful way for God to drive the point home that the man was incomplete by himself! Imagine the loneliness Adam felt after seeing all the other kinds of living creatures, and realizing that there was no one like him—no one to talk to, no one with whom to share discoveries, no one with whom to laugh. No one to love.
Of course, God understood Adam’s need for companionship. He said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him” before He had Adam name the animals (Genesis 2:18–19). When God brought Eve to him, Adam immediately understood, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (v. 23). Unlike the other creatures, she was one with whom he could connect emotionally, intellectually and physically.
The concluding purpose of this original relationship is brought out in verse 24: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” The key words here are “one flesh.” This is describing marriage, of course, but in a sense it can also give us a hint of God’s intent for all relationships.
This original marriage relationship was based upon another relationship that preceded it. “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God” (John 1:1–2). John continues: “And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth” (v. 14).
The “Word” described in John 1:1 became the human being known as Jesus Christ. That Word was “with God”—with the Father—which implies a family relationship. Yet notice the key word Jesus used in describing the relationship: “I and My Father are one” (John 10:30).
It is no accident that the relationships of the first human couple, and of God the Father and Christ, are described using the same word: one. Oneness reflects the togetherness of mind, purpose and intent that we should seek in our closest relationships.
Oneness in the Church
Is oneness possible in a non-marital relationship? Yes, it is. In fact, the Apostle Paul reveals how the Church is designed to provide oneness. He writes, “There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called in one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all” (Ephesians 4:4 –6).
We see in subsequent verses that Paul’s context in this chapter is clearly the Church: “And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ…from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love” (vv. 11–16).
God designed His Church to provide a structure and environment that encourages oneness among the members, as each becomes more like Jesus Christ. Paul uses the analogy of a human body to show how the Church nurtures itself through the part each member plays, whom God Himself has placed into the body as it pleases Him (1 Corinthians 12:18). Therefore, each member—old, young, married or single—is important to the oneness of the body (vv. 20–22).
Paul emphasizes that members who have received greater blessings have a duty to give attention to members with special needs. Through extra care for “those members of the body which we think to be less honorable,” the Church ensures that the needs of each member are met (v. 23). Through this arrangement, God intends “that there should be no schism in the body, but that the members should have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it” (vv.25–26).
God always intended that His called-out ones should fill the void of companionship for those who are lonely within the body. Psalm 68:6 reveals that “God places the lonely in families” (New Living Translation). Jesus told His disciples that “there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My sake and the gospel’s, who shall not receive a hundredfold now in this time” (Mark 10:28–30). James wrote, “Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble” (James 1:27). God provides connections for the lonely!
But should lonely brethren expect other Church members to relieve their loneliness without any effort on their part? Not at all! Remember Paul’s insistence that “the members should have the same care for one another” (1 Corinthians 12:25). Making connections goes both ways, and all members should use every available opportunity to encourage one another (Hebrews 10:19–25).
God’s Help for the Lonely
The sad fact is that loneliness can affect anyone. Life has a way of challenging us in ways we do not anticipate. At any time, circumstances in our lives can change, leaving us to wonder whether or not anyone cares about us. Even for some in God’s Church, loneliness is their present reality.
That does not mean that it is God’s will for anyone to despair over remaining lonely. God has provided ways for each of us to make the necessary connections that can help us appreciate the value of our lives, and the difference we can make in the lives of those around us. Look around your local congregation for those who are alone, and get to know them. If you are lonely, introduce yourself or start a conversation with others. As God’s people, we need each other—and we all have an opportunity to help one another during difficult times.
By developing relationships within the family of God, we fulfill Jesus Christ’s prayer, “that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You” (John 17:20–23). Let us all strive to make the connections necessary to help us all move from loneliness to oneness.