At one time or another, many of us have given in to a fit of anger that deeply hurt our family or friends. For some of us, uncontrolled anger is an occasional problem that we must guard against in times of extreme pressure and stress. For others, anger may have become a crutch on which we rely instead of dealing honestly (and perhaps painfully) with problems around us—and in our lives.
Left unattended, uncontrolled anger can turn into rage, which in turn can lead to all manner of sin—and to hatred, which is a spirit of murder (Matthew 5:21–24). This is a serious matter, and we should understand what Scripture teaches about anger so we can recognize its proper expression and the dangers we must avoid.
There is a place for anger in the scope of human emotions, but God expects us to direct, control and even suppress our anger, depending on the circumstances. We read: “‘Be angry, and do not sin’: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26–27). Uncontrolled anger is an aspect of Satan’s character that should not be found in anyone who professes to be a follower of Jesus Christ. “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city” (Proverbs 16:32).
The vanity, jealousy, lust, stupidity and greed of the world often intrude into our lives, and the human nature we all struggle against wants to strike back. We can all agree that there are plenty of circumstances that can rouse us to anger. But we need to be angry against sin—not against sinners, who are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27; 9:6).
Uncontrolled anger is the first step leading to a desire for revenge—but, as Christians, we understand that this is a prerogative God reserves for Himself. “For we know Him who said, ‘Vengeance is Mine; I will repay,’ says the Lord. And again, ‘The Lord will judge His people.’ It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God” (Hebrews 10:30–31). When anger drives us to take revenge on another human being, we are in rebellion, usurping a prerogative of our Creator.
We need to have the faith to accept that God will deal—in His own way, and in a just and appropriate manner—with those who have unjustly persecuted us. “Vengeance is Mine, and recompense; their foot shall slip in due time; for the day of their calamity is at hand, and the things to come hasten upon them” (Deuteronomy 32:35).
Dealing with Angry People
Angry people often seem to delight in making enemies! Though you may be seeking peace, angry people are almost always ready to take offense at whatever you say to them—and to use your words and actions (as they perceive them) as an excuse to become combative. How should we as Christians handle people who act hatefully toward us, and may even be actively seeking to do us harm? Jesus of Nazareth said: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect” (Matthew 5:43–48).
What a huge challenge! But it is a requirement of our Savior; it is not optional. We must not allow others’ angry attitudes to draw us down to their level. “You shall not hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your neighbor, and not bear [take on] sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord” (Leviticus 19:17–18). When someone sins against us, this does not grant us a license to sin in return. We cannot feel “justified” returning anger for anger.
If our brethren in the Church feel anger toward us, we have a Christian obligation to try to make peace with them. God has given us a procedure for resolving interpersonal problems. We must begin by assuming that the situation is an innocent misunderstanding, unless the God-ordained dispute resolution procedure—given in Matthew 18— determines otherwise. “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:15–17).
Let Go
After following this procedure, we can let go of the problem—and of any anger that was lingering with it. Ideally, we have reconciled with the one who had offended us. On the other hand, if we cannot find reconciliation, the judgment then rests with the elders of the Church. Rather than stew in anger, we can take comfort in knowing that Jesus Christ will guide the judgment for our good and the good of those being judged. Can we have confidence that this process works? Jesus Christ Himself assured us that it does. Speaking to the men who would become the Apostles leading His Church, He promised: “Assuredly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them” (Matthew 18:18–20).
How long have we tried to make peace, and how many times have we accepted the anger directed toward us? Notice that the Matthew 18 procedure leaves no place for our lingering anger. Before embarking on the Matthew 18:15 route, we must be sure our attitudes are free from anger and resentment. As Christ taught: “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also. And whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away” (Matthew 5:38–42). This is a hard saying, but it can be put into practice with the help of the Holy Spirit.
Some people resist using Matthew 18:15 because they are uncomfortable with confrontation. If you feel this way, examine yourself and ask, “Am I willing to forgive and forget?” If you can honestly answer “yes,” then the matter is solved. But if, by avoiding a confrontation, you will just remain “stewing” in anger, you need to trust God and step out in faith, and follow the Matthew 18 guidelines.
Another Option
Throughout all of this, there remains another powerful tool we can use to heal an angry situation. Notice what Paul wrote: “Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord. Therefore ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good’” (Romans 12:17–21).
Instead of hiding from a confrontation with your enemy, return good for evil. When you are hurt, respond with kindness. When your enemies are suffering, reach out to them with love. This is exactly what Jesus Christ did when He died for each one of us, before we even knew Him! Yes, a key aspect of dealing with angry people is to “walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:1–3).
The fruits of God’s Spirit are not just something we display toward those who are friendly toward us. Even when we encounter people whose lives do not radiate the presence of Jesus Christ within them, we must respond as Christians: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another” (Galatians 5:22–26).
No one likes to interact with a wrathful person—ask any retail clerk, bank teller, teacher or civil servant! When people are frustrated, they can become angry, and their anger can spur them to strike out at others. Family life can become unbearable when one member of a household is continually given over to fits of wrath. The home is a place to which we should be able to retreat for sanity, comfort, support and peace. After a hectic day of work, school or errands, it is delightful to come home to enjoy congenial family companionship. “Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a fatted calf with hatred. A wrathful man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger allays contention” (Proverbs 15:17–18). Also: “He who troubles his own house will inherit the wind…” (Proverbs 11:29).
Despite our best efforts, if someone around us persists in anger and vitriol, we may eventually come to the conclusion that our only remaining option is to cut our ties with such a person, lest we be dragged down as well. “Scoffers set a city aflame, but wise men turn away wrath. If a wise man contends with a foolish man, whether the fool rages or laughs, there is no peace” (Proverbs 29:8–9). We need not continually excuse the wrong actions of hateful people. If we love such people, we must want them to learn the lessons that will help them change for the better. Notice the proverb: “A man of great wrath will suffer punishment; for if you rescue him, you will have to do it again” (Proverbs 19:19).
In deciding when “enough is enough,” be sure to seek wise counsel from the ministry, and from people who know you well and are willing to give you frank advice, even when it may hurt. And be sure to go to God in prayer, so that your actions are in harmony with His will. “Listen to counsel and receive instruction, that you may be wise in your latter days” (v. 20).
Overcoming Our Own Anger
It can be challenging to deal with angry people around us. But anger is not always somebody else’s problem. If we have been told time and again that we need to deal with our anger, yet we do not repent and take steps to seek help, there will come a day of reckoning! “He who is often rebuked, and hardens his neck, will suddenly be destroyed, and that without remedy” (Proverbs 29:1). Of course, it is better still to stop the problem before it starts. So, what guidelines does God’s word offer us for dealing with our own moments of anger?
Of course, some people will pridefully say, “I never get angry!”—when, in fact, all they do is “bottle up” their anger inside, where it eats at them privately, or becomes expressed through “passive-aggressive” interactions with their targets of hate.
First and foremost, we as Christians are to imitate Jesus Christ in our lives. When we face anger directed against us, or when we are frustrated by situations we face, He is the example on which we are to pattern our response.
So, whether you are tempted to yell or to brood in anger, it is important to remember the proverb: “Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls” (Proverbs 25:28). When uncontrollable anger seizes us, we become spiritually defenseless, just as a city without walls! If we are again and again in a rage, we separate ourselves from our relatives, our friends—and our God! Who wants a raging companion as a “friend”? Scripture warns: “Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go, lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul” (Proverbs 22:24–25).
Yielding to uncontrolled rage will only result in penalties accruing against us! A flash of anger toward an employer may spur us to quit rashly, or cause us to be fired from a job. Rage in the home can lead to children running away, or to divorce, or to domestic violence that lands someone in jail. An outburst directed at a police officer who has stopped our car for a minor violation can turn a simple traffic warning into an expensive citation. All around us, as a quick viewing of the local news can confirm each day, acts of rash anger again and again lead to life-changing events that no converted Christian wants to deal with. “An angry man stirs up strife, and a furious man abounds in transgression” (Proverbs 29:22).
Self-Defense or Self-Defeating?
When we feel embarrassed or insulted, our bruised pride may tempt us to lash out in what we think is self-defense. Yet the result of our “defense” is often a loss of respect from those whose respect we most value. How, then, can we maintain our honor when we are under attack? Notice: “A man’s pride will bring him low, but the humble in spirit will retain honor” (v. 23). The antidote to pride is humility. Again, notice: “Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders. Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for ‘God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.’ Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:5–7).
Often, anger directed against other people is the result of frustration with our lot in life. Instead of acknowledging and dealing with our own failures and inadequacies, we may be tempted to blame our problems on those around us—which can lead to feelings of envy, jealousy, hatred and accusation. A growing desire for vengeance can lead us to want to “get even” with—even to harm—those we believe are causing our misery and holding us back from getting what we want. “A worthless person, a wicked man, walks with a perverse mouth; he winks with his eyes, he shuffles his feet, he points with his fingers [an accuser]; perversity is in his heart, he devises evil continually, he sows discord. Therefore his calamity shall come suddenly; suddenly he shall be broken without remedy. These six things the Lord hates, yes, seven are an abomination to Him: a proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that are swift in running to evil, a false witness who speaks lies, and one who sows discord among brethren” (Proverbs 6:12–19). All these are evils that will become ingrained in those who are perpetually angry. Always thinking they are right, they justify themselves in correcting and putting down those with whom they disagree, especially those whom they perceive as obstacles to their success.
We must always remember that when we succumb to rage, we lose the ability to seek God calmly and to entreat Him earnestly for help. Instead, our anger opens us up to the influence of evil. “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen” (1 Peter 5:8–11). As begotten children of God, we must learn to control our anger, as God will not allow a spirit of uncontrolled rage in those who will be born into the God Family.
Our model must be Jesus Christ. He knew how to control Himself, expressing a righteous and selfless anger that powerfully indicted those who were defying God and abusing their offices of leadership, responsibility and service (Matthew 23:1–36). This was a Man who did not hesitate to show powerfully—and physically—his displeasure toward the moneychangers whose business was desecrating the temple of God (Matthew 21:12). But how did this perfect Man react when Roman soldiers were subjecting Him to torture, and to an unjust and agonizing death? His last words were not a raging diatribe against His persecutors. Rather, as His life was ebbing away, He called out, in love: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do” (Luke 23:34).