There are many different personality types among ladies in the world and in God’s Church, as we can even see from the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. God created such variety among His daughters for a reason: to help us grow into more humble, compassionate, and loving Christian ladies together. Many personalities work well side by side to accomplish goals, while other personalities may conflict with each other.
In any setting where there are many personalities, there is bound to be upset eventually. This is where it can become dangerous to our spiritual health if we let an offense, perceived or otherwise, progress in our minds. An offense can cause us to hold on to grudges and be bitter toward that lady for years. It may even create in us a heart of stone. What does our Father in Heaven say that we must do when facing a conflict or problem with another of His daughters?
A Perceived Offense
If you are like me, you have at one point or another in your life been offended or come into conflict with another lady. Years ago, I allowed a small perceived offense to grow and fester, leading to a terrible outcome. All I could think about was that I needed to say something to that lady friend about it so that it could be fixed. Truly, the problem only existed in my mind and not in reality, but I was compelled to say something to that lady about it and eventually did.
The moment I wrote out a message and sent it, I regretted it. Sometimes, when you go back and read your own words, you see how insignificant your perceived issue is and how prideful you are in taking matters into your own hands. Yes, it felt right in the moment to say something, but what good did it do in the long run? Did it fix the situation? After sending my point of view that had been blown way out of proportion, I realized how hurtful it was and I apologized. I received a reply that it was indeed hurtful to her, and from that point on our relationship was irrevocably damaged.
What started out as a perceived offense turned into losing a good friend whose company I enjoyed very much. It reminded me: “Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles” (Proverbs 21:23). Of course, though the verse uses “his,” this applies equally to women as to men.
Between You and Her Alone
However, there are times when we should go to our sisters with an offense. We are told, “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother” (Matthew 18:15)—and our sister as well. We are also admonished, “You shall not hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your neighbor, and not bear sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Leviticus 19:17–18).
It is tempting, when our feelings are hurt, to search out a listening ear from our friends and family who we know will see things from our point of view and vindicate our actions. However, in doing so, we are spreading the matter further and damaging another lady’s reputation as well as our own. “He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates friends” (Proverbs 17:9).
Go to Your Sister in Loving Humility
We are told to, when necessary, go to our sister and explain the fault to her—not in a bitter, vengeful attitude, but with love and humility. Going to our sister in true humility is extremely important, because we may have been stewing over an issue for weeks or months and mentally blown it out of proportion. Perhaps the slight from a lady, whether intended or not, has become a huge insult in our hearts and we feel like we will burst if we do not say something to her. This is a perfect time to reflect on how we should “avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife. And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition” (2 Timothy 2:23–25).
Of course, we should pray before we go to our sister and risk driving her away with our feelings of hurt and anger. If we come to our Father in prayer with an attitude of vengeance against that person, will He only see things our way and choose our side over theirs? Unlike us, our Eternal Father will take into consideration both ladies’ individual personalities and problems when we come to Him with our issue.
We read, “Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the hearts” (Proverbs 21:2). He can see both sides of the argument better than we ever could. If we let Him, He can lead us through prayer and Bible study to the right attitude and words to use when going to our sister. “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers…. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:29–32).
We must pray for humility in what to say and how to say it so that we are not returning insult for offense. In other words, our going to our sister in a wrong attitude could cause a worse offense on our part. “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3–4).
It’s usually helpful to take time to calm down and consider all aspects of the situation. Writing thoughts down on paper and tearing it up afterward can help clear the jumbled emotions and purge them of the perceived hurt. Often, when we write our ideas down and reread them the next day, we may begin to see that what we have to say may not be as big of a deal as we believed, or we may have been harsh in what we wanted to say. Then we will be able to weigh whether going to our sister would be beneficial or hurtful to our relationship. It is easier to avoid damaging a relationship with your sister than to repair it later (Proverbs 18:19).
Be Ready to Forgive
If, after much prayer and consideration, the issue still must be addressed with our sister and we feel we cannot forgive and forget on our part without an audience with her, we must be careful not to go to her under the guise of false humility, but in love and with a truly forgiving heart, go to speak with her in person. We often feel like we should write messages, but they do not always convey the true attitude we intend and sometimes give offense instead. They may also give us a false sense of security and boldness to say things that we should not.
Our ultimate goal in going to our Christian sister with a problem is not to make ourselves feel better. Scripture reminds us, “A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back” (Proverbs 29:11). And we read, “A fool has no delight in understanding, but in expressing his own heart” (Proverbs 18:2). These verses apply to women just as to men. Our desire in going to our sister should be to forgive and forget her offenses just as God does for us, so that we may also be forgiven of our faults. No one likes for their mistakes to be held over their heads or to feel like they are not forgiven. None of us are perfect and we have all more than likely offended someone in the past. Are we really able to throw the first stone?
Our Father does not hold our transgressions over us, and we must not do so to one another. Christ proclaimed that “if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14–15). “Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection” (Colossians 3:12–14).
Remember the Bigger Picture
When we look at the big picture, with the Kingdom of God as the vision of our future and not this life’s struggles only, our perceived offenses and problems pale in comparison. We read that “the end of all things is at hand; therefore be serious and watchful in your prayers. And above all things have fervent love for one another, for ‘love will cover a multitude of sins’” (1 Peter 4:7–8).