I have not conducted a scientific survey, but my personal observation leads me to believe that women have more “ups and downs” with personal relationships than do men. That may sound sexist, but there are real reasons why this may be true. We can agree that men and women are different physically. However, science has also shown that men’s and women’s brains are also “wired” differently, which makes us different psychologically and emotionally.
Of course there are exceptions, but women tend to use their intuition and emotions more than men when making choices and interacting with others. God has given us women a deep capacity to love and to express that love with outgoing concern for others. Our friends are very dear to us, and we hold them close to our hearts. We try to be the friend who is closer than a brother or sister (Proverbs 18:24), which often leads to deep emotional hurts if things go wrong—and things sometimes do go wrong.
How do we react when someone we care about says or does something that hurts us deeply? Often our first reaction is self-protection. We want to distance ourselves from that individual and not ever be in a circumstance that would allow that person to hurt us again. While this may be expedient in the short term, it is obviously not a long-term solution. When we consider what Jesus Christ would do in that situation, it is easy to see that He would not hide from the person who hurt Him but would instead seek to mend the relationship. Our goal should be to win back our sister (Matthew 18:15).
What if we are the ones who have offended someone we deeply care about? What if we have tried to apologize, but the friend we have hurt is still distant? We still have a responsibility then, even while we may be tempted to throw our hands up and say, “I tried.” I have found myself in this difficult situation. The problem began when I was discussing a sensitive subject with a friend whom I consider closer to me than my sisters, so I felt free to tell her what I thought. Those who know me know that I tend to be very direct (I’m working on that), and the unexpected result was that she was very hurt. I would like to share with you some of the lessons that I learned while we went through the process of becoming close again.
Gaining Your Sister
The first lesson I learned was that it ultimately does not matter who is right and who is wrong. Most of the time, there is enough blame to go around. The important thing is the restoration of the relationship. This often means a lot of pride must be swallowed, whether we are the offender or the offended party.
Many times, offending parties do not realize that they have offended someone. I know this sounds unbelievable to those who have been offended, but it’s true. If we have been offended, we should ask God to help us to be charitable regarding the offender’s true intentions. Do you really think your friend wanted to hurt you?
The offended woman has the responsibility to go to her sister about the matter rather than let the offense create distance between them. How we go to that sister and what words we use are very important. If our attitude is to just let off steam and put her in her place, we are not following the spirit of Matthew 18:15. It is wiser to wait until we are not so upset, when we can go to our sister with the right frame of mind. If we are the offender, we have the responsibility to hear our sister out, even if we feel that she has a wrong attitude and that we did nothing wrong. We can take this to God, too, asking Him to help us listen to our sister and to help us understand how she feels.
Once we understand how our actions have affected our sister, apologies are in order—and apologies should not include “buts” or “ifs.” Apologies should not reflect blame on others. A true apology may require us to pray and meditate about the situation so that we can have the mind of Christ on the matter before we attempt to be reconciled to our sister. This apology should make clear that we understand what caused the problem, which we can show by stating how our actions hurt our friend. We should accept responsibility for our actions and ask for forgiveness. We are all human. The offended party may not be able to forgive to the point of restoring the relationship when we first apologize. Some things don’t happen right away, which leads to a second lesson.
Time Helps Healing
I’ve learned that emotional scars take time to heal and that different people heal at different rates. If we are involved in an accident that leaves a deep wound, we may have sutures to close the wound and a bandage to cover it, but it is far from healed—it is still tender to the touch. Emotional wounds can’t be seen, but they are there. We need to exercise patience to give an offended person time to be able to engage again.
If we are too quick to try to talk it out, we may just rip the wound open. Instead, we can offer smiles and friendly hellos to let our friend see that we desire to restore the relationship. If we receive a less-than-friendly response, we have the strategy found in our Bibles—a soft answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1). We should not let pride stand in the way of our goal to win back our sister.
What about the offended party? Is the relationship entirely at her discretion? What is her responsibility? This brings me to a third lesson.
The Greatest Mediator
We cannot bring about a peaceful resolution to relationship problems on our own; we need God’s intervention. Both the offended and offending parties must seek His intervention in the matter. Both people have the responsibility to pray about the situation, to ask God to show them their faults in the matter, and to pray for one another. Fasting may be in order.
We are called to be born into the Family of God as brothers and sisters in Christ (2 Corinthians 6:18). God’s will is that we be reconciled (Matthew 5:23–24), and that we forgive one another (Matthew 6:14–15; Colossians 3:13). God doesn’t leave it up to us to decide whether to forgive or whether to strive for reconciliation—He commands that we do both.
Love Suffers Long
What happens when we’ve done all that we can do and there is still no progress in restoring the relationship? The answer to this question is the final lesson I want to share: Keep trying! Don’t give up!
While we may not be able to approach our friend at such a time, we can still smile and show ourselves friendly. We can learn the valuable lesson of perseverance in this situation, which builds godly character (Romans 5:3–4). We should continue to pray about the problem and ask Christ to heal the hurt feelings. He wants to heal the brokenhearted (Isaiah 61:1).
Our intercessory prayers can make all the difference. We know that God is able to change our relationship for the better (Proverbs 21:1), and He will in His time. Our responsibility is to be ready to embrace the relationship when that time comes.
Stronger Than Before
These things may sound simple, but they are hard to do. They require us to exercise the Holy Spirit that God has given us. To restore relationships, we must be able to let go of hurt feelings and embrace forgiveness. We must exercise patience, gentleness, and self-control through the power of God’s Spirit as we seek to resolve the problem (Galatians 5:22–23). We must be willing to clothe ourselves in humility as we await reconciliation with our sister in Christ (1 Peter 5:5). Restoring relationships is not easy (Proverbs 18:19); it requires spiritual maturity that may take time to develop. If we find it necessary and the situation warrants getting others involved, the steps we should take are outlined in Matthew 18:15–17.
At the beginning of this article, I mentioned a problem that existed between me and my sister in Christ. I am happy to say that we reconciled and that the relationship did become restored. The road was difficult. It took a lot of time—two years—and a lot of effort on both our parts. There were many lessons I learned that could not be shared in this short article; however, the bottom line is that relationships can be restored. We are even closer friends now that we understand each other better. We were able to start over and build on a more solid foundation.
If you have a relationship that you have given up on, don’t. Start over by praying about the problem and for your “lost” friend. Ask God to intervene and heal the breach that has developed between you. God is in the business of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18), and He can give you and your friend the ability to start over.