William Bennett was United States Secretary of Education under President Ronald Reagan, and he recognized that, while there always would be different religious and political perspectives in his country, there should still be common values upon which everyone could agree. He put together The Book of Virtues, a compilation of short stories addressing ten values with which all people ought to agree, such as compassion, courage, honesty, and friendship.
Of these stories, “Grandmother’s Table” is one of my favorites and one that I read every few years to campers and staff during Evening Reflection at our Living Youth Camps. I am always struck by the profound point it makes about compassion and how others see our behavior, especially the very young.
The story tells of an elderly widow who lives with her only relatives: her son, his wife, and their young daughter. The widow’s sight and hearing are diminishing, and her hands often tremble violently, spilling her food as she eats. This irritates her son and daughter-in-law to the point where they eventually tell her to eat her meals alone, at a smaller table by a closet. As she eats by herself, she gazes in sadness at her son and his family, who barely speak to her unless chastising her for dropping something—until the widow’s granddaughter reveals a painful truth.
One evening just before dinner, the little girl was busy playing on the floor with her building blocks, and her father asked her what she was making. “I’m building a little table for you and mother,” she smiled, “so you can eat by yourselves in the corner someday when I get big.”
Her parents sat staring at her for some time and then suddenly both began to cry. That night they led the old woman back to her place at the big table. From then on she ate with the rest of the family, and her son and his wife never seemed to mind a bit when she spilled something every now and then (1993, pp. 143–144).
Children teach us many lessons, and the above story, although fictitious, is strengthened by its believability—we can easily imagine it happening. Many profound insights come from the minds of small children, whether they intend to provide them or not. As David wrote, “Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants You have ordained strength, because of Your enemies, that You may silence the enemy and the avenger” (Psalm 8:2). Jesus quoted this to the chief priests and scribes who criticized Him for not rebuking the children who cried out to praise Him (Matthew 21:15–16).
The Apostle Paul told Timothy that “in the last days perilous times will come” (2 Timothy 3:1). Paul went on to explain that people would lack gratitude, would be unloving, and would be unwilling to forgive. “Grandmother’s Table” demonstrates how the widow’s son and daughter-in-law only came to understand their own lack of compassion and kindness when it was brought to their attention by the actions of their little girl.
The Effect of Pentecost
God’s grace toward us is partly expressed by His showering great kindness upon us. “God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved)… that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus” (Ephesians 2:4–7; also see Titus 3:4). And our own character must also be expressed by tender mercies, patience (longsuffering), and kindness. “Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering” (Colossians 3:12). Paul explained that his ministry sometimes involved showing great patience and kindness (2 Corinthians 6:6). We read often of Jesus expressing compassion for those He encountered during His earthly pilgrimage—giving of His time to heal (Matthew 20:29–34), to teach (Mark 6:34), and even to raise the dead (Luke 7:11–15).
Longsuffering and kindness are two traits listed as fruits of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22). Indeed, they must be written in our hearts and become part of our very being if we are to rule in the Kingdom of God. Is this not the message of Pentecost and the New Covenant? “For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, says the Lord: I will put My laws in their mind and write them on their hearts; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people” (Hebrews 8:10). God changes us through His Spirit, but we must be responsive to His working on our conscience.
We know that Jesus’ parables of the Kingdom were not intended to be understood by those not called, but some of His other short stories were meant to make a point to His hearers. The story of the good Samaritan is one of the best-known in the Bible, and Bennett’s The Book of Virtues even retells it. It is so well known that I need not repeat it here, and its point is that the command to love one’s neighbor involves having compassion enough to show kindness to a stranger in need (Luke 10:25–37).
The parable of the unforgiving servant is another case in point for showing compassion, part of which involves forgiving one another. When the Apostle Peter wanted to know how many times he should forgive, Jesus used this short story to illustrate the point. The parable explains how, when a king’s servant was called upon to pay a very large debt that he owed, he begged his king for forgiveness and for more time to try to collect the staggering amount. “Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt” (Matthew 18:27). However, the servant later went out and harshly treated a man who owed him far less. When the king heard about this, he was not pleased, and he rebuked his servant, asking a simple question in verse 33: “Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?”
Words and Actions
Compassion and kindness may be shown by both our words and our actions. You were probably told as a child, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” This mantra was taught by well-meaning parents, teachers, and others to toughen us up against the unkind words that inevitably come our way—but the truth is that words do hurt, and they hurt even after we become adults.
Jesus often rebuked hardheaded and hypocritical people, including the scribes and the Pharisees. Rebuke, when needed, is a form of love, but a godly rebuke must be spoken with grace, compassion, and kindness—all of which, of course, Jesus used consistently, even if His message had to be forceful on occasion. It is recorded that, when He was on a visit to His hometown of Nazareth, “all bore witness to Him, and marveled at the gracious words which proceeded out of His mouth. And they said, ‘Is this not Joseph’s son?’” (Luke 4:22).
We are told that “the words of a wise man’s mouth are gracious” (Ecclesiastes 10:12). And then there is that beautiful statement regarding a virtuous woman: “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness” (Proverbs 31:26). Sadly, many women have a cruel, backbiting tongue, engage in gossip, and subtly cut one another down. But when it comes to cruelty, men can be just as guilty. In fact, male cruelty may more readily go beyond words and enter the realm of violent actions.
Nevertheless, both men and women—even without God’s Spirit—are capable of showing compassion and kindness. We see this in how the people of Malta behaved toward those shipwrecked on their island during a cold rain. They built what must have been a very large fire to warm the 276 sea-weary strangers who had been cast upon their shore. “And the natives showed us unusual kindness; for they kindled a fire and made us all welcome, because of the rain that was falling and because of the cold” (Acts 28:2). And one of the leading citizens on the island “received us and entertained us courteously for three days” (v. 7).
Different Stages of Life
Courtesy, compassion, kindness, and love are learned at different stages of life. You have no doubt seen a small child selfishly hanging onto a toy, even hitting a “friend” if that friend seems likely to move in on it. Children must be taught how to treat those around them. Civil behavior begins with learning common courtesies: sharing, paying attention to others, saying “may I,” “thank you,” and “please.” Children may not understand the reasons for these words and behaviors, but they realize that they must employ them if they hope to gain rewards and avoid corrections. They also learn the proper way to hold a fork or spoon and how to avoid talking with a full mouth. They learn deference to those who are older or are in authority—police officers, teachers, grandparents. Common courtesies, such as rising before our elders, are customary ways to show proper respect (Leviticus 19:32). God tells us that we must also care for animals: “A righteous man regards the life of his animal” (Proverbs 12:10). How we treat animals begins at an early age: “Don’t pull on the dog’s tail,” “Here is how to pick up the cat,” “Animals need animal food, not people food.”
As children grow, they begin to think about what this all means. Over time, children—sometimes on their own, sometimes with guidance—learn to connect how they ought to treat others with how they like to be treated. They discover that there is an internal reward when sharing with a friend, and thus they awaken to the Golden Rule: “Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 7:12). However, there is still a desire to put the self first, and the struggle between outgoing concern and selfish desire is a battle we fight throughout our entire lives.
The ability to think, reason, and care for others will either deepen or diminish in adolescence, depending on a combination of our natural characteristics and how well we have been taught. Our character, apart from the “school of hard knocks” and God’s Spirit working in us, is mostly set by adulthood. How much easier it is to learn courtesy, compassion, and kindness at an early age.
We learn in stages, as Peter explains: “But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance [patience], to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love” (2 Peter 1:5–7). Note that knowledge must be taught, self-control must be consciously developed, perseverance is learned over time through experience, godliness precedes brotherly kindness, and love is developed through practicing kindness to others.
Those who possess God’s Spirit follow Jesus’ admonition to reach out to those with whom they do not naturally identify, such as “ the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind” (Luke 14:12–14). Not only will God reward us later in His Kingdom, but we often find that these are people who have much to offer in wisdom and interesting life experiences.
Kindness Under Stress
Old age is an interesting stage of life. Observation informs us that, as they age, some people grow more compassionate and show greater kindness to those around them. But aging poses many challenges—the elderly do not always feel well, they lose coordination and strength, and their ability to clearly hear often diminishes. While some couples grow in their love and appreciation for each other, others sadly become impatient, speak harshly, and lash out. How sad it is to see an older couple treat each other cruelly!
Not feeling well is no excuse for treating others inappropriately. I remember hearing of the example of a dear friend of mine who was dying from cancer. His wife was gently rubbing his hand as she sat by his bed, but even this tender action caused him pain. He could have lashed out at her, but instead he simply said in a kind voice, “Oh no, Mary, please don’t do that—it hurts.”
The Proverbs tell us, “What is desired in a man is kindness” (19:22). And it is often not the big things that we do, but the small acts of courtesy and kindness that truly matter. How often we read in our literature and hear in Sabbath services Jesus’ differentiation between sheep and goats. We learn from Scripture that compassion and kindness, caring for one another, must become ingrained in our very character to the point that we do not see an act of kindness as being a big deal; it is simply the way we conduct our lives (Matthew 25:31–46).
In the context of forgiving one another and not being judgmental, Jesus Christ tells us in one of my favorite passages of Scripture, “Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you” (Luke 6:38). In other words, not only will we be treated as we treat others, but the reward that comes back upon us will be even greater than anything we have given away. I am reminded that when you open a cereal box, the top third of the container is empty because of jostling and settling. By contrast, Jesus says good measure will be returned to us—pressed down, shaken together, and still running over.
Whether we are young, elderly, or somewhere in between, how we show courtesy, compassion, and kindness is all-important. Paul admonishes us, “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31–32). And Peter’s advice agrees: “Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous” (1 Peter 3:1–9).
Let us meditate on these things. “Ponder the path of your feet, and let all your ways be established” (Proverbs 4:26). Let us go out of our way to treat one another—and even total strangers—with courtesy, compassion, and kindness.