We recognize that children are sometimes at odds with their parents, to a great degree because there are considerable differences in their experience. A parent naturally knows more than a child, just as a longtime Church member should have a greater perspective of God’s Way and the Church—where it has been, how our adversary is working against us, and how small trends grow into big ones.
I often think of my father, a first sergeant in the Air Force, who was responsible for monitoring the morale and readiness of a squadron of 500 men and their families. The overall well-being of the men was his responsibility. He acted as liaison between them and the squadron commander, and he disciplined them when necessary. In many ways, his job was similar to that of a minister, but there were obvious differences. Being a worker for one’s joy (2 Corinthians 1:24) is quite different from military discipline.
I give this background to point out a principle my father taught me: “Take care of the small stuff and you don’t have to sweat the big stuff.” Dr. Kermit Nelson, director of the Summer Education Programs in the Worldwide Church of God, understood this. He implemented policies that guided campers away from trouble. He knew that practical jokes easily escalate, so he instructed counselors to nip such behavior in the bud immediately, rather than wait until it got out of hand. He took care of the “small stuff.”
The Bible is not silent on this subject. Solomon wrote, “Because the sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil” (Ecclesiastes 8:11). He also counseled, “The beginning of strife is like releasing water; therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts” (Proverbs 17:14). Yes, it is easier to stop a problem when it is small than to stop it when it has grown large.
I have seen this principle at work in child-rearing when parents think they know more than the One who created us. Young parents desire to do the best they can for their children, so they often look for advice outside of the Bible in programs that sound good. These programs often counsel against any kind of physical punishment and instead advise reasoning with even a very young child. Of course, those of us who are older have seen the results of that approach.
We often hear that we should “follow the money,” and this also applies to child-rearing advice. Tapes, books, seminars, and catchy-sounding phrases such as “love and logic” make big money for those promoting them. However, the biblical message from the beginning is that there is a tree of knowledge that involves good and evil. These child-rearing programs have some good—otherwise, they wouldn’t sell—but they are not based on the truths found in Scripture.
So, when programs such as these fly in the face of the word of God, we must ask: Do I really believe the Bible is inspired by God? Do I believe it is well-meaning but out of date? If it is wrong about child-rearing, what else is it wrong about? Can I pick and choose what to accept in its pages? These questions need serious consideration.
God tells us, “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of correction will drive it far from him” (Proverbs 22:15). A better translation for rod might be switch. While the purpose of this verse is not to say that spanking with a rod or switch is required, it does tell us that spanking in some form or fashion is a legitimate and helpful tool for disciplining young children. And some of my friends have told me that being told to go out to a tree and spend time finding a good switch that would be used to punish them was very instructive!
God’s word advises us to stop a problem while it is still small. “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly” (Proverbs 13:24). Do you believe that? Can physical discipline be administered in love? Do you believe the Bible when it tells us about the chastening inherent in God’s love? “My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; for whom the Lord loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives” (Hebrews 12:5–6). Discipline should be motivated by love, not anger. Too often, parents will try ideas that sound good, only to find that in the end they do not work—then finally, out of frustration, some parents will go overboard, spanking in anger.
In our modern world, which clearly does not have a good record of child-rearing, any form of physical discipline is frowned upon—and in some places is illegal, though many jurisdictions allow for spanking on the buttocks with the hand (and even many “experts” agree with this practice). Going against lawful authority can result in a child being removed from the home, which is the worst of all possible outcomes unless there is real abuse going on. Even if such discipline is legal, wisdom dictates that disciplinary action should be carried out in private—and no kind of discipline should ever be excessive or given in uncontrolled anger. And actions that cause real or permanent harm, such as hitting with a fist or drawing blood, are never acceptable!
The Biblical Balance
I remember a single mother whose four-year-old was totally out of control. My wife and I were visiting them one day when she volunteered, “I know that this is wrong, but I hate my son.” She was frustrated and honest. Reasoning with her child did no good.
While we were there, he was acting up as usual, and I explained to this mother that her son had no incentive to listen to her. She needed to tell him once, then spank him for disobedience if he failed to respond. She followed the advice immediately, but gave him only a gentle “spanking” that did little but anger him. I then explained that the spanking needed to be enough to provide a little pain on his bottom—not harm, but definitely an unwanted experience. So, she again followed the advice. This time, he let out not an angry cry, but a hurt one—and he soon came over to hug her.
This was one of those occasions when someone truly listened and put counsel into practice. Within a few weeks, this four-year-old was transformed into a delight to be around. But if parents do not gain control of a four-year-old, what will they do when he is 14 and his logic tells him that drugs are a good idea? It is important to instill respect for parental guidance early, while any problems are still small.
At the other extreme, some in the past have thought that spanking is all that is needed to raise good children. That is a mistake—spanking is only one of the tools needed. Nevertheless, it is an important tool that is too often rejected today. Long before they spank, parents must be spending time with their children. They must teach their children about God as part of everyday family activities. Fathers are warned not to demand so much that their children become discouraged, but to “bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4; see also Deuteronomy 6:6–7; Psalm 78:2–8).
Isaiah wrote, “As for My people, children are their oppressors, and women rule over them. O My people! Those who lead you cause you to err, and destroy the way of your paths” (3:12). In my experience, it is often—though not always—the wife who prevents her husband from disciplining their child. When women rule the house, children often become oppressors at home and in society. Fathers must never use harsh discipline, but they must take the lead—for the sake of the family.
What it comes down to is whether we see the Bible as the word of God or not. If we do, we will stop a child’s rebellion while he is small rather than waiting to try to deal with rebellion when it is far more difficult to do so. If we are diligent to “take care of the small stuff,” we will be preparing ourselves and our families for the “big stuff”—the glorious rewards that God has in store for us at the resurrection.