Recently, a good friend forwarded a link to a social media post that she felt would interest me. I don’t spend a lot of time on social media but, because I respect her opinions, I took a look. The post was by a woman clearly frustrated with trying to fit the mold of what she termed “a Pinterest woman.” She complained that she is expected to do as she is told, be reserved, not display her emotions, and otherwise be unobtrusive. The sense of her post was that, because she felt hopeless in the face of these expectations, she was no longer going to try to meet them.
Upon reflection, I realized that there are probably women in the Church who feel the same way. Her frustration was rooted in the fact that what she was trying to attain was not realistic. Society portrays the ideal woman as a superheroine who directs a corporation, manages a household, rears her children, and maintains a marriage—all in a single bound! This is not reality. And the Barbie-like housewife who is a perfect housekeeper, amazing cook, and master of all things crafty is equally unreal.
So, what qualities define “real women”? What expectations do we have for ourselves as women in the Church of God? Are we unnecessarily frustrated with who we are? Are there godly expectations to which Christian women should aspire? What about the very real women of the Bible—how are they portrayed? Let’s examine some of these topics.
Obedience and Reservation
When we think of traits traditionally identified with being female, two that come to mind are kindness and gentleness. While society tends to see these more as feminine qualities, the Scriptures identify them as desirable for both male and female followers of Christ (Galatians 5:22–23). But there are two other characteristics emphasized as desirable for women that often cause them concern—obedience and reservation. These, of course, are admirable character traits, but are they only for women?
God has a lot to say about submission and obedience. He instructs women to submit to their own husbands (Ephesians 5:22), but He also instructs the Church that its members should submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21; 1 Peter 5:5). Men and women are to submit to the authorities over them (Romans 13:1), and they are to obey the ministry that Christ has placed over us (Hebrews 13:17). Whether man or woman, married or unmarried, we are all under authority. For all eternity, there will always be someone to whom we give account. Obedience is a key component in the life of a true disciple, and it is a prerequisite to receiving eternal life (Matthew 19:16–17).
It is also true that some husbands may not strive to love their wives in the same way that Christ loves the Church, making it more difficult for a wife to be submissive. If this is your experience, don’t despair; God is aware of your challenges and appreciates your efforts to obey Him. You can pray to Jesus Christ, the Head of every man, and ask Him to help your husband fulfill his responsibilities in a manner that pleases God—and ask Him to help you fulfill your own responsibilities, too, regardless of your husband’s shortcomings.
We can see that obedience and submission are required of both men and women, so women need not feel frustrated and suppressed because we are to obey our husbands. “Real” women—godly women, through God’s Holy Spirit working in them—exercise faith in Jesus Christ to lead their families by deferring to their husbands when there is a difference of opinion.
What about being reserved? Does God want women to be reserved? The answer is yes (1 Peter 3:4), but does this mean God expects women to have no thoughts and no opinions—to sit in a corner and say nothing? No! God did not make women intellectually inferior to men in any way. Yes, we are taught to avoid the inappropriate use of that intellect; we are not to teach our congregations (1 Corinthians 14:34), but this restriction is a matter of government and not about capability. To be reserved is to be unpretentious, humble, and modest; it means not being arrogant or showy. Humility is a character trait that God desires to see in all His children, male and female (Isaiah 57:15). In fact, God has promised blessings and salvation to all who have a humble attitude (Psalm 149:4; Proverbs 3:34).
The Scriptures show that arrogance is a symptom of a prideful heart, which God hates, and it will not go unpunished (Proverbs 6:16–17; 16:18). No disciple of Christ, male or female, should desire to be arrogant or showy. Women and men alike should desire to reflect Christ in their demeanor and to walk humbly with their God (Micah 6:8). This is the true meaning of being reserved, and it is for all who would follow God’s way—thus, godly women strive to be reserved.
Not All the Same
So, does God want women to be all the same, like so many yellow pencils? Absolutely not! He has created us to be individuals. Just as we appear different from one another, we each have our own personalities and talents.
People who know me know that I tend to be more analytical and not very creative. Some years ago, a deaconess asked me to help by arranging the flowers for services. I promptly told her the truth—that I didn’t know how to do that. She insisted that I could do it, so I gave it a try. When she came back some time later, I hadn’t finished, and what I had done looked terrible, to say the least. It felt like her silent stare would never end as she stood there, trying to say something that wouldn’t hurt my feelings. She finally stepped over and said, “Let me help you.” She remade the arrangement, and it looked beautiful when she had finished.
I tell this story to emphasize that we are not all the same. Should I feel ashamed because I am a mess at all things crafty? No. God has called a diverse range of women with differing strengths and weaknesses. When we examine the Scriptures, we can see the roles that women played and how God used each one’s personality and strengths.
Sarah, for example, is shown to be a faithful woman possessing great humility, calling her husband “lord”—or, as we might say now, “sir” (Hebrews 11:11; 1 Peter 3:6). In the book of Judges, we see Deborah, a very brave and wise woman whom God used to judge Israel and lead an army into battle (Judges 4:1–14). Then there is Jael, who acted with bravery and cunning to give Israel total victory over Jabin, King of Canaan, by killing the commander of his army (Judges 4:18–21). Mary, the mother of Jesus, had great inner strength and character to endure the gossip and stigma attached to her being with child before her wedding. She willingly accepted this plight (Luke 1:38).
Most of us know the example of Mary and Martha, sisters of Lazarus (Luke 10:38–42). Martha was focused on her guests and preoccupied with working to get the food prepared, but she spoke up when she thought her sister should help. Mary was not inclined to serve in that way—she wanted to sit with the others and learn from Christ at that moment. Two women, both followers of Christ, had two very different personalities, and Jesus did not rebuke Martha until she belittled Mary. There are many other examples that we can study, but we see that there is no “yellow pencil” designation for women. Godly women—“real” women—use the talents God gives them to serve their families and the body of Christ.
Discretion and Wisdom
Perhaps much of the frustration women have stems from expectations we place on ourselves. If we compare ourselves to a fictional depiction of women with no basis in reality, we place ourselves under undue stress. Nor should we compare ourselves to women we feel “have it all together”—the Bible calls this foolish (2 Corinthians 10:12). In the real world, no one has it all together.
God has called us to live freely within the bounds He has set, and His boundaries for women are very clear—put Him first, respect your husband, obey your husband in the Lord, and care for your family. These are not harsh restrictions, and they allow for a variety of personalities, interests, and pursuits. You don’t have to try to be someone else.
In a 2014 sermon titled “Who Needs You?” Mr. Rod McNair said he was given this advice as a teenager: “Be yourself, but be a better one.” This is good advice. “Real” women will start with who they are and allow God, through His Holy Spirit, to mold and shape them into a more godly version of themselves.
God has called women with differing talents, abilities, and personalities. His goal for all of us is to be a part of His family. He is working with us as individuals and certainly doesn’t expect us to all be the same. It’s not that we are to be one way or another; each aspect of our character will be used in different situations. Solomon states that there is a time for all things—there is a time to be quietly humble, much like Mary, the mother of Jesus, and there is a time to speak out, as Deborah did. There is a time to be submissive, as exemplified by Sarah, and there is a time to take a firm stand, as Jael did. A godly woman uses discretion and wisdom to know when to display each feature of her character.
Let God’s word set your boundaries, and don’t impose upon yourself unrealistic constraints that lead to frustration. When you know you need to grow in some area, as we all do, you can ask God to help you make changes by the power of His Holy Spirit. If you ignore all the stereotypical portrayals of women and use the Bible as your mirror, you may find that you’re doing better than you think. Don’t be frustrated—keep it real.