Why is it important to understand the subjects of relationships, dating and marriage? How do they relate to each other? Are there valuable keys to help us succeed in these vital and very personal endeavors?
In proper perspective, each of these subjects—developing relationships, learning to relate to the opposite sex and functioning effectively within marriage and family—represent important stages in life, that God has designed to help us prepare for the ultimate purpose of human existence. Each stage offers us numerous opportunities to learn important lessons.
The Bible reveals that God created men and women in His image to ultimately become part of His divine family (Genesis 1:26–27; 1 John 3:1–4). To help us prepare for that goal, God designed the human family and revealed important guidelines in Scripture. Each year millions establish relationships—at school, at work, at church or in other activities. Sometimes these relationships thrive and grow, and are very beneficial. Sometimes we form relationships that are detrimental, and that bring unhappiness and pain. Some relationships are accidental; some proceed according to a plan. Some people date and marry, some cohabit, and some try other non-traditional arrangements. Others simply indulge in wishful thinking. In this article, we will examine biblical principles for developing successful relationships, for dating and for marriage—principles of which modern society seems to have lost sight.
Positive Relationships
Today, powerful messages about independence, personal freedom and “doing your own thing” are everywhere. You may have heard the feminist slogan that “a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” Yet, long ago, God revealed that it is not good that human beings be alone (Genesis 2:18). Songs proclaiming “No man is an island, no man stands alone” and “people who need people are the luckiest people in the world” reflect this important truth—that we were created to be social beings and relate to one another. Learning how to relate positively and effectively to others is an essential aspect of learning how to live. To develop successful relationships, we must develop specific social skills. If we lack these skills, we will find it difficult, if not impossible, to initiate and maintain successful relationships—and frustration and unhappiness will be the result. This is why it is so important to understand, and learn to use, the guidelines God has provided in His Word.
The art of communication—exchanging information and ideas easily in a pleasant, respectful and effective manner—is an essential skill that can be developed. It is also an important factor in developing positive personal relationships. However, effective communication involves more than just being able to talk about what interests you. It also involves listening, being able to intelligently discuss issues that interest other people, and asking questions that elicit the thoughts and feelings of others with whom you would like to build relationships. Relationships develop between people who can talk to each other, and who will listen attentively to each other. This is why the Bible has so much to say about the use of the tongue (see Proverbs 12:18; James 3:1–12). Use a concordance to study what the Bible says about the tongue (also study “mouth” and “speak” and “word”). The Bible provides valuable pointers for developing communication skills that enhance relationships.
Sharing is another quality that builds relationships. We share when we communicate information and share our feelings with others. When we share our blessings (such as our possessions, financial resources and time) with others in need, we establish a foundation for relationship. The Bible reminds us that “it is more blessed [beneficial] to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). Sharing with others is easier when we develop love and compassion for others. Jesus taught that we should love one another (John 15:12), and showed that He really cared for others (Matthew 9:36; 23:37). The biblical concept of love (agape) involves an unselfish outgoing concern for others, which forms the basis of strong relationships. To develop this kind of love, we must begin to think about—and care about—others’ needs and feelings, instead of just our own.
Wisdom and self-control also foster positive and successful relationships. Knowing when to speak—and when not to speak—is often as important as knowing what to say (Proverbs 25:11). The Bible reminds us of three important keys for developing self-control—be swift to hear, slow to speak and slow to wrath (James 1:19). Managing our emotions is vital for maintaining positive relationships. Angry outbursts—slamming doors and hurling insults—will damage relationships. Relationships are promoted by patience, understanding and forgiveness.
Self-understanding and proper self-esteem also contribute to the development and maintenance of positive relationships. The Bible teaches that we are to “love our neighbors as ourselves” (Leviticus 19:18; Mark 12:31). When we can accept ourselves for who we are—and are comfortable and at ease with our body, our appearance, our abilities and our limitations—we can relax and be ourselves around others. Our genuineness fosters genuine relationships. People who are always trying to project an image and pretend to be something they are not (or only dream about being) are uncomfortable to be around, and the relationships they seek usually come apart.
Relationships can also lead to friendships. Real friendships demand specific qualities that people can develop (see Proverbs 18:24). Friendships can have a positive or negative influence on the people involved (cf. James 4:4). The Bible offers practical advice about how to form positive friendships, and how to avoid negative associations (Proverbs 13:20). This is why developing a strong sense of values is important. We can build positive relationships when we are able to recognize and avoid evil people and harmful situations (Proverbs 1:10), and when we are able to recognize and stay focused on what is good (Philippians 4:8) without becoming self-righteous and judgmental of others (Matthew 7:1–5).
Conflicts, disagreements and misunderstandings are inevitable in nearly every relationship. We can build better relationships when we develop skills in conflict resolution. Here again, the Bible offers practical guidelines. A soft (gentle and respectful) answer is better than an angry and accusative response (Proverbs 15:1). Going directly to a person with whom you have a problem (sometimes with the assistance of an impartial advisor) is better than talking about people behind their backs (Matthew 18:15–17). Overlooking perceived offenses, and learning how to avoid offending others, promotes positive relationships and shows concern for others, as does being the first to stop contending (Proverbs 17:9, 14). Studying what the Bible says about the cause of conflict, and how to resolve—and avoid—difficult issues, will profit anyone who desires to build and maintain successful relationships. Conflict resolution skills have benefits now and in the future; remember, Jesus said: “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God” (Matthew 5:9).
Successful Dating
While the social skills we have discussed are important in any relationship, these same skills—and more—are essential in developing meaningful relationships with members of the opposite sex. God created the man and the woman to be companions, who complement and complete each other in a permanent marriage relationship (Genesis 2:18–25). Building meaningful relationships with the opposite sex involves learning to understand and appreciate how we are different—not just in appearance, but also in how we think and react. Activities shared by men and women together, including dating, provide opportunities to learn and grow in this vital area. Initial dating experiences should be oriented toward social development—learning how to conduct oneself around members of the opposite sex respectfully and respectably. A date is when two people spend time together and share an experience. The idea that sex has to be part of a date is one of the most tragic and misguided ideas of our time. Modern pressures toward early sexual activity have done much to destroy an important stage of social development.
When (at what age) young people should start dating is really a parental decision. However, dating should not be encouraged too soon. Pairing off prematurely can generate temptations and pressures that lead to tragic lifelong consequences. Double dates (two couples together), or activities planned for mixed groups, can be a challenging and rewarding experience that fosters initiative, creativity and responsibility—especially if the motive is to “give” an interesting date to someone instead of merely “getting” a date.
Dating provides an opportunity to gain understanding about important differences in how men and women think. You can learn what you like and admire in members of the opposite sex, as well as what you do not really appreciate. Studies indicate that men especially value attractiveness, recreational companionship, admiration and domestic support in a potential mate, while women appreciate conversation, affection, openness, financial support (men with good jobs) and a commitment to family (see His Needs, Her Needs, Willard F. Harley, pp. 12–13). Anyone contemplating marriage should be preparing to meet these needs in a potential spouse. Studies also indicate that a lasting permanent relationship (i.e. marriage) is more likely to succeed if two people not only share similar interests and goals, but also share the same religion, come from the same racial and ethnic background, come from similar economic levels and have similar levels of education. When grandchildren come along, being from the same geographical area is usually a major plus. Dating can offer enjoyable and exciting experiences, but before becoming serious it is wise to obtain a good education, a good job and the necessary maturity that comes with learning to handle responsibilities. Above all, one should seek and listen to good advice (Proverbs 4:26; 10:1; 14:12; 15:22). These are all factors that should be seriously considered when contemplating a long-term relationship such as marriage.
Permanent Marriage
The institution of marriage did not arise from some vague evolutionary need. The Bible reveals that God designed the institution of marriage as part of His overall plan (Genesis 2:24). Despite skyrocketing divorce rates, easily dissolved marriages and the growing popularity of cohabitation, God intends marriage to be a lasting relationship between a man and woman—same-sex unions are wrong and a perversion of a God-ordained relationship (Leviticus 18:22; 20:13; Romans 1:22–28). The marriage union has profound spiritual significance as a training ground for becoming part of God’s divine family (Ephesians 5:22–33; Revelation 19:7–9). The institution of marriage and family is so important that several commandments were designed specifically to protect it—parents were to be honored, adultery was prohibited and lust was condemned (Exodus 20:12, 14, 17). Historians and sociologists recognize that stable marriages and families are the fundamental building blocks of a stable society. When they begin to crumble, the culture they are part of is beginning to decay and die!
Marriage is not something to be entered into lightly. It is not for the immature. Divorce is much more frequent when both partners in a marriage are younger than 20. Before marriage, both partners should have taken the time to prepare for the commitment (Proverbs 24:27). Marriage should not be used as a way to escape loneliness or parental control, or to achieve some sort of status. It is to be a lasting relationship that requires permanent commitment and faithfulness from both parties. This is why the marriage ceremony involves making a covenant (a formal promise) in front of witnesses. A covenant is designed to hold relationships together when difficulties arise and feelings fluctuate. These points should be clearly understood before anyone enters into a marriage.
The God who designed marriage also provided instructions for making it succeed. Marriages work best when both partners understand God’s instructions ahead of time, and then promise in the marriage ceremony to follow those instructions. In spite of what many today believe, God designed specific roles for men and women in marriage. Husbands are to love and cherish (highly value) their wives, support their families and lovingly guide their children as the head of the household (Ephesians 5:22–33; Colossians 3:18–21). A considerate husband will strive to understand and fulfill the needs of his wife and children (1 Peter 3:7). Neglect or abuse by the head of the household is wrong—simply unacceptable. Wives are to love and respond to their husbands and respect their authority (1 Peter 3:1–6). A loving wife will also strive to understand and fulfill her husband’s needs. Defiance and subversion by the wife are unacceptable. The challenge for both men and women in marriage is to learn how to adapt and meet each other’s needs (see Harley), to show respect and appreciation and to work together in harmony. This is where social skills can play a big role.
The effort to achieve a successful marriage is definitely worthwhile. Research shows that “first-time, lifelong, monogamous marriage is the relationship that best provides for the most favorable exercise of human sexuality, the overall well being of adults, and the proper socialization of children. Marriage has no close rival” (Why Marriage Matters, Stanton, p. 11). The whole exercise is designed to prepare us to participate in God’s divine family.
As in any human relationship, difficulties arise in nearly every marriage. However, God does not provide a large “exit sign” pointing to an easy way out of marriage, as our modern society encourages. God plainly reveals that “He hates divorce” (Malachi 2:16). The only biblical reasons for divorce are sexual immorality (fornication, adultery or perversion), fraud, abandonment or abuse by a spouse (Matthew 5:31–32; 1 Corinthians 7:12–16). If two believers simply cannot get along, they can separate, but cannot remarry (Matthew 19:3–9). The biblical instruction is clearly weighted towards working things out instead of seeking a divorce. Divorce is simply not the panacea that many make it out to be—it comes with considerable costs (see Stanton, chapter 5). It is a sad fact that in addition to the lingering effects of divorce on spouses and children, remarriages after a divorce break up even more frequently than first marriages. These are some of the reasons why God speaks so strongly against this practice that today is so widely accepted.
Many books explain how to build successful marriages and resolve problems in marriage relationships. Statistics show that premarital sexual activity and cohabitation before marriage actually reduce satisfaction levels in marriage, and are associated with more frequent marital breakups (see Stanton, chapter 2). The highest satisfaction levels in marriage are found in first-time marriages between individuals who avoided premarital sex and cohabitation.
One of the most effective ways to deal with marital difficulties is to work on yourself, not your spouse (see Matthew 7:1–5; 1 Peter 3:1–7). Focus on what is good about your mate instead of what irritates you (Philippians 4:8). Success in marriage is much more than finding the right person; it is a matter of being (or becoming) the right person. Someone who strives to exercise the fruits of God’s Spirit—love, joy, peace, patience and kindness—will not be difficult to live with (Galatians 5:22–26). Two people striving to exercise these fruits should not have unresolvable problems. God simply does not recommend “cutting and running” as a way out of marital problems. The real solution is to find ways to overcome the problems together, which can actually strengthen the marital relationship (Revelation 21:7). This is God’s way.
“But I’m Single!”
For a variety of reasons, approximately 10 percent of adults do not marry. Some adjust to being single, but others become frustrated. Sometimes people panic, blame God for their plight and jump into ill-advised relationships that only lead to more problems. It is never wise to compromise right beliefs, sound principles or the instructions in God’s Word. If you are discontented with your single status, it might be wise to honestly and objectively analyze why you are single. Identify reasons. Sometimes a look in a mirror is helpful. Note your appearance, how you dress, and your normal facial expression. Listen to yourself talk, and to what you talk about. Examine your interests, activities and your lifestyle. Then ask yourself if you would enjoy spending time with the person you see. Begin to work on changes that you feel would help you become a more enjoyable person to be around. Notice, too, what turns people off—especially what members of the opposite sex might dislike. Common turnoffs include rude manners, an unkempt appearance, being absorbed in yourself and your own problems, being desperate to find someone to marry, becoming overly familiar too soon, being immature, possessive or jealous and having narrow interests. Find out what members of the opposite sex desire in a potential mate, and map out a program to develop those traits (see Proverbs 4:26; Ecclesiastes 9:10).
It is vital to keep a proper perspective. While marriage is an important part of God’s plan, it is not a requirement for those who will enter the kingdom of God. Jesus Christ never married. Traditions say that Luke never married. There is no indication in Scripture that the Apostle Paul was married during his ministry. Whatever our status, single or married, our primary goal is to develop the mind and character of Jesus Christ (Philippians 2:5–11). While we may strive to change what we can, we must also develop the maturity to accept what we cannot change. Developing positive relationships in life is important, but the most vital relationship we can ever develop is with God, and with His Son Jesus Christ (John 17:6–11). Regardless of how much effort we invest in developing relationships, our relationship with God is the one that counts the most—because it is the key to developing successful relationships with others.